By
John Saleeby
March
1, 2002
Aaron
Sorkin - Creator of "A Few Good Men", "The American President", "The
West Wing", and The Biggest Asshole In The World - has announced that
the next season of "The West Wing" will present his doped out Hollywood
Lefty version of the 2000 Election Florida Debacle. Sorkin calls it
" ...our version of the old Mad magazine 'Scenes We'd Like To See'...
We're going to rerun the last election and try a few different plays
than the Gore campaign did." Well, two can play at that game, Mister
Aaron Sorkin. Maybe only one of us can make a lot of money playing it,
but two can play that game nonetheless. So we're going to rerun Sorkin's
LA Airport arrest for psychedelic mushrooms and crack cocaine and "try
a few different plays than" the Los Angeles Police Department and District
Attorney's Office. The results may be as screwy as anything Sorkin will
be coming up with, but at least I'm just trying to get a few cheap laughs
instead of trying to make you think Al Gore should be President Of The
United States (Which is a million times funnier than anything I could
ever come up with. Shit, no wonder Sorkin makes the big bucks.)
Security Gate in the LA
Airport.
The Security Guards look on with curiosity as Aaron Sorkin staggers
in with three huge suitcases.
AARON: Ooohh, the colors
in this airport! Oooohh, the green floor tiles, the blue Security Guard's
uniforms, the red eyeballs on the giant hampster! What are you looking
at, Fuzzy? Whoa! A Metal Detector! Good thing they don't have a Hallucinogenic
Mushroom Detector! Ding! Ding! Ding!
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you
are only allowed one piece of carry on luggage.
AARON: The rules do not
apply to Aaron Sorkin! I do what I want and want to -
SECURITY GUARD: Mister Sorkin,
we are going to search your bags. AARON: You are going to scratch my
back? Right here in front of the dancing six foot praying mantis with
legs that just won't quit? Boy, these are good drugs! Good thing I packed
plenty of them in these suitcases!
SECURITY GUARD: Okay, Sorkin
- You're under arrest for possession of illegal drugs!
AARON: Oh, be cool, man!
Drugs unleash your inner creativity, Get high and sit around imagining
that a liberal Democrat from New England is President! (Aaron pulls
out a gun) When in reality I am President! President John F Kennedy
of the PT 109! I lead the Rough Riders up Pork Chop Hill and dropped
the Atom Bomb on Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Hattisburg, and Biloxi!
SECURITY GUARDl Hey, is
that giant hampster dealing black tar heroin?
AARON (Letting down his guard
to take out a huge wad of cash): Black tar heroin? How much?
(The Guards tackle Aaron.
And then they tackle his huge wad of cash.)
SECURITY CHIEF: Good work,
boys!
(Aaron is dragged away by
his nostrils)
AARON: I'm warning you -
I am a close personal friend of George Stephanopolis, The World's Leading
Authority On Everything!
A filthy dirty stinking
jail cell full of terrifying criminals.
Robert Downey Jr. greets Aaron Sorkin as the guards throw him in and
slam the door shut behind him.
DOWNEY: Aaron! Aaron Sorkin!
AARON: What jailbird jackanapes
dareth useth the name of Aaron! Aaron Sorkin!?
DOWNEY: It's me, Robert
Downey Jr!
AARON: Oh puh-leeze! Robert
Downey Sr. hasn't gotten as old as THAT song and dance! (Aaron looks
over his shoulder) I say, what is going on back there? I didn't see
any studio executives when I came in here!
DOWNEY: You're in jail right
now, Aaron - You're being raped.
AARON: Raped? Well, cross
off another item on my New Sensations List. DOWNEY: This is the first
time this has ever happened to you? Maybe I should have been a writer
instead of an actor.
RAPIST: You know, this would
be a lot more fun for me if you pretended not to like it.
AARON: Oh, maybe I should
have been an actor instead of a writer!
The People Versus That Big
Queer Aaron Sorkin is in session. The defendant is lying on the floor
unconscious in a puddle of his own blood. A medical team works to keep
him alive throughout the proceedings so he can be executed on live television.
A witness is called to the stand.
TED NUGENT: Please identify
yourself to the jury.
WITNESS: I am the first
guy to beat the hell out of Aaron Sorkin in jail. (The crowd cheers)
TED NUGENT: And what is
the first thing you did while beating the hell out of Aaron Sorkin?
WITNESS: I banged his head
against the wall. (Laughter and applause)
TED NUGENT: And what is
the next thing you did?
WITNESS: I banged his head
against the wall again.
TED NUGENT: And what is
the next thing you did?
WITNESS: I banged his head
against the wall again.
(Art Graphic: FIFTEEN MINUTES
LATER...)
(The entire court is laughing
and giggling hysterically)
TED NUGENT: And what is
the next thing you did?
WITNESS: I banged his head
against the wall again.
TED NUGENT: And what is
the next thing you did?
WITNESS: Well, his head
broke off his neck and fell on the floor so we all kicked it around
the cell for a while until Robert Downey Jr. suggested we play soccer
with it and we all raped him until Sorkin grew a new head for us to
bang against the wall.
TED NUGENT: Thank you for
your motherfuckin' testimony.
WITNESS: Thank you for giving
me an oppurtunity to beat the hell out of the shitbox who produces "The
West Wing". It was a real dream come true. And to think all I had to
do was get busted robbing a convenience store. What do I have to do
to beat up that Moby guy? Aaron's attorney, Johnny Cochran, stands up.
COCHRAN: Your Honor -
(A Tyranosaurus Rex which
has escaped from George Lucas' backyard bursts into the court room and
devours Cochran.)
JUDGE REINHOLD: This is
the best case EVER! Aaron Sorkin, you turd sucking piece of trash -
I sentence you to death by lethal injec - No, that's too good for you.
I sentence you to be skinned alive, barbequed, and eaten by beer swilling
trailer trash!
AARON: Eaten by trailer
trash!?! Don't feed my succulent flesh to those swine! Sautee me over
a slow flame and serve me to Barba Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Barbara
Walters with hollandaise and a dry white wine! ( The Tyranosaurus Rex
gets sick and vomits Johnny Cochran's half digested remains all over
Aaron )
AARON: Oooooohhh!! Oh! Oh!
Ooh!
( The corrosive acids of
the mighty reptile's digestive system dissolve the squealing druggie
nincompoop into an unrecognisable blob of slime. The happy crowd goes
wild, scooping up handfulls if the gelatinous glop and throwing it at
the assembled members of the mass media who burst into flames and waste
their final moment before falling into Hell running for the exists.
Safe in their New York studios way on the opposite end of our beautiful
nation, the major network anchors waste no time adjusting to the new
reality of Twenty First Century America. )
DAN RATHER: Well, there
you go, folks - The end of that Aaron Sorkin cocksucker.
PETER JENNINGS: Eh, fuck
him.
TOM BROKAW: Asshole.
John Saleeby
wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand
up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
earlier. Email - johnsaleeby@yahoo.com
