By John Saleeby
Man, are we messed up when it comes to sex or are we messed up when it
comes to sex? (Note To Reader: We are messed up when it comes to sex.)
Don't worry, I'm not talking about morality, hey, this is your ol' pal
Saleeby talkin' here, remember? If I knew anything about morality I
wouldn't have left enough cookies at Teenwhore.com to keep that Muppet
monster munchin' from May to December.
So what's my gripe? Why we gotta make sex out to be such a big ol'
complicated technical thang? We're scarin' the crap outta all the
virgins! Finally losing your cherry these days is like training your
whole life to climb Mt. Everest and when you finally get there they have
a nice warm cable car all the way up to the top and then back to the
bottom. And while you're at the top they have a casino lounge where you
can shoot craps while the Abominable Snowman does his kareoke tribute to
Frankie Sinatra (The Sinatra part is why we call him "Abominable"). It's
easy! But guys carry on about gettin' their worm wet like they're Balboa
just back from discovering the Pacific Ocean. "I'm gonna discover a
completely brand new ocean!" the boy Balboa swore as the girls laughed
at the tremendous Spaniard zit on the end of his Conquistador nose
"Then I'll get all the girls!"
The whole thing had me so spooked when I was a kid I thought I'd never
get laid. What? Me in bed with a really great looking naked chick? Maybe
it would happen once, maybe twice with a little luck. Remember that line
from the Aerosmith record - "I was a high school loser, never made it
with the ladies til the boys told me something I missed"? Well, it was
just like that, only the boys never told me nothing but what a fag I
was. But it was cool, the one thing that was never in doubt was that I
was gonna be THE NUMBER ONE COMEDY WRITER OF ALL TIME!!! Neil Simon?
Woody Allen? I was gonna hire them to wash my cars and mop my floors!
Aw, f'sure, by the time September 2000 came around I would have written
The Ten Most Popular Comedy Movies Of All Time, The Ten Most Popular TV
Sit Coms Of All Time, The Ten Most Popular Humor Books Of All Time, and
GODDAM WAS I GONNA BAG THE BABES!!! (All the oceans had already been
Well, nothing within a hundred million miles of that ever happened, of
course. But the weird part is, I've somehow managed to fuck like it did
happen. I have no idea how, but I'm still in a complete state of shock
over the sex I've managed to have without even a shred of proffessional
success. I've even done stuff that I've never thought about while
masturbating! Betcha Conan O'Brian can't say that! Ain't life weird?
So I guess it would be logical to conclude that if I was a really
successful comedy writer today I would still be a virgin, right? Right?
Yeah, I'll just keep telling myself that.
Aw, I ain't really got laid that much, really.
John Saleeby wrote
for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up
comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Check Out John Saleeby's
crazy Acid Logic Blog!