By
Adam
Lewis
September 16 2003
What
does Winnie the Pooh have that I don’t have? He is a short, monotone,
chubby little bear that eats honey all day. Pooh is extremely hairy
and his gut hangs out of his shirt. But for some reason all girls think
he is just so adorable. Me. I am short, monotone, chubby little human
being that eats most of the day. I am hairy. If you saw me with no shirt
you would think I'm a gorilla. My belly doesn't hang out of my shirt;
it's not that big. The girls think he is cute and they also think I
am cute as well; my mom even said they do so it must be true.
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My
friends don’t have obvious names pointing out their species like
Gopher, Owl and Rabbit whose parents either thought the rest of
the world was too stupid to recognize what animal their child
was or couldn’t decided on a name.
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To woman Pooh is huggable
soft and suit for cuddling. My friend Emma is a cuddler, she always
has her arms wrapped around him while we watch movies together. Not
only does she have a larger than needed stuffed Pooh, he also can be
found on her underwear, bath towels, t-shirts, dinner plates, television
remotes, beer Koozies, coffee mugs, slippers, toothbrush, posters, cigarette
lighter, pot holders and pillow cases. She, like millions of woman,
can’t get enough of him. They seem to never get sick of this guy.
But for some reason, girls
don't like me the way they do with Pooh. I have plenty of friends as
he does. They just don't bounce on tails, walk slowly, fly or are stuffed
with woodchips and covered with fur. My friends have chest and facial
hair, vital organs and can move at various speeds over land, air and
sea via technology and physical fitness.
My friends don’t have obvious
names pointing out their species like Gopher, Owl and Rabbit whose parents
either thought the rest of the world was too stupid to recognize what
animal their child was or couldn’t decided on a name. The parents of
my friends took the time to think of names and didn’t label their child
“boy” or “girl” or “human.” They didn’t assume our intelligence was
even lower than it is by pointing out the obvious, they thought long
and hard for a well fitting name. For example one of my friends is named
Hans and he can play guitar. Doesn’t that count for anything?
Pooh has another pal named
Christopher Robin who, to me, is slightly on the girly side. He possesses
several womanly qualities that label him a sissy; he is always touching
everyone, he talks to everyone about everything, he gossips and is always
concerned with what everyone else‘s business is. Everyone knows that
is exactly what a women like to do and is what binds them together.
Christopher likes to throw parties for his 100-Acre Wood friends complete
with party hats and birthday cake. Where the hell is the beer? My friend
Noah throws parties all the time too and he has all kinds of adult beverages
for us to enjoy in excess. This Christopher character probably runs
like a Dickens through the woods when his parents come calling and that
means only one thing; he prances because that is how a Dickens would
most likely run! My friends run swiftly and fast with high leg kicks
and long strides because that is how real people run, like humans.
The 100-Acre Wood is very
appealing to women who are vain and spend most of their day in tanning
booths while Chinese men spray paint their nails. This area is a gated
community and if you aren’t a plush animal there is no way you are getting
into that sort of district to live. I for one would never lower myself
to the conceited mindset that segregates myself from others as these
100-Acre Wood residents have done. I live in an apartment next door
to people on welfare who drink Schlitz Beer and eat generic Oreo cookies.
I keep myself humble by living next to the common man even though I
drink Guinness and eat real Oreo Cookies. It‘s the least I can do for
them.
Pooh lives in a tree. Now
imagine a girl going back to his place after a date. I can’t see any
female thinking it’s hip hanging out like children in a tree house.
Actually it isn‘t even a house, it‘s set up more like a studio apartment
because right when you walk in there is his bed and a kitchen table.
I can’t believe he would have the gall having his bed out in the open
like that because you can tell it from the get go he is thinking sex
after a date. But for some reason if I pulled stunt like that, they
would turn around and leave, that is why I don’t live in a studio apartment
myself. I did however once live in an apartment with a Jacuzzi Tub.
That tub was so big; two people could fit right in without the water
flowing over the sides. The jets on the tub were adjustable with speed
and direction and boy did they feel good. You should see they way my
belly-jiggled form the jet sprays. It tickled.
Pooh’s best friend is Piglet.
My best friend is named Nick. At least he doesn’t wear the same shirt
everyday like this pig character. (Although they both do have similar
skin color and shaped noses, that’s irrelevant with the point I am trying
to make.) Pooh and Piglet are what I like to call a “man team”. I believe
they are gay. Don’t misunderstand me, I see nothing wrong with being
gay. But I think this is another reason why woman are so attracted to
Pooh and his world. Woman like gay men because it’s like having a sister
they never had. Someone they can shop and talk with about the latest
fashions . More importantly though, they don’t feel like they are always
being looked at like a sex object. As for Nick and I, we have never
stayed over at each other’s houses like Pooh and Piglet have done. We
have however spent the night in the mountains together. Wait a second…
that wasn’t Nick, who the hell was that guy?
What the hell is a Pooh anyway?
I'm Adam the Human Being; at least you can put me in a category. I'm
classified as the smartest mammal on Earth; I have a college degree
in electro-mechanical engineering. Does Pooh? No, he doesn't do a damn
thing; he is a bum who doesn't work. Girls like responsibility and a
guy to bring home the bacon, Pooh, he only brings home honey. Sur,e
he may very well bring Piglet home sometimes but his small stature seems
more fit for lean sausage links. I don't know about you but I would
get really sick of honey every night for dinner. And Pooh can't even
spell the word right. I deliver pizza and even if I do bring home pizza
slices everyday, I am bringing home the bacon literally because that
very well may be the topping on those slices.
Pooh can barely talk normally;
the guy couldn't make a well structured sentence if he took an eighth
grade English class. He is always saying words that don’t exist and
woman think he is so innocent with the things he says. For example,
and I quote:
"My spelling is Wobbly.
It's good spelling, but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong
places."
That isn’t innocence, that
is ignorance and woman like a man with brains, confidence and brilliance,
like myself. To prove Pooh is an idiotic, unconfident bear with no brains
I have directly quoted him once again:
"I have been Foolish
and Deluded, and I am a Bear of no Brain at All."
"For I am a Bear of
Very Little Brain, and long words Bother me."
"Pooh," said Rabbit
kindly, "you haven't any brain." "I know," said
Pooh humbly.
If I walked around making
up and using words in sentences that don’t make sense, I wouldn’t be
innocent I would be looked at like a complete imbecile. I know proper
English and use it day after day, I know how to spell receive properly,
I before E except after C or as in neighbor and weigh. Pooh admits he
can’t spell at least I can, I bet he signs his name with an “X”. This
just isn’t fair anymore, I get a bad rap while Pooh is glamorized and
celebrated by woman of all ages and sometimes even by dudes. Why can’t
I get any recognition and be cheered while held to a higher standard
than he? I have studied and presented you the case proving woman are
hypocrites by allowing Pooh to posses all the qualities which is a turn
off to them. I have all the qualities which woman go for such as superior
intelligent, awesome job, clothes that fit, a nice place to live and
great friends. I don’t understand the attraction that guide woman to
him, so I ask you once again, what does Pooh have that I don’t?
