Love, as that old Blondie song goes, is a battlefield and . . . What? That's not a Blondie song? It's a Pat Benatar song? Well, forget it. Love is a bleach blond bimbo that's only dating you so she can sing in your band. True Love is harder to find than a nice musical on cable during Veteran's Day Weekend. Romance is for teenagers and suckers and if you can combine the two into one package you're one of the few who are doing it right. Yeah, I've been in Love and I'll be in Love again but I know that a woman is only a woman, another woman is only another woman, and if you can't get em to be two women together at the same time in the same place you're better off with only one - Preferably one who can help edit your long sentences about women. Women! You can't trust em any further than you can throw them from the top of a fifty story building! And if you are a woman reading this maybe I should apologise before you get to the rest of the "jokes". But I know you'll stop reading halfway through this to look at some other guy's web site and then lie right to my face about how much you liked my "Cheaters" article so go on, get the fuck out of here. I gave up on writing anything to please you years ago. Yeah, baby, you want to look at another website behind my back, go to Cheaters.com or JoeyGreco.com (the website for the "Cheaters" host. You know, that suave bastard in the black leather jacket you think about while I'm in my Star Wars hoodie with the coffee stains.)
Feeling guilty? You should! Go to the "Store" section and pick me up a few "Cheaters" t shirts and one of those wacky "CUP OF JOEY" coffee mugs. I'd love a "Cheaters" baseball cap but, come on, how long can you go around wearing something as cool as that before somebody steals it? Two, three minutes? You'd be better off walking around with an ounce of prime-o weed on top of your head. Or a McDonalds Quarter Pounder With Cheese! They're rain proof, you know.
Those Joey Greco boggleheads are funny and I've already got eleven of em Super Glued to the hood of The Saleebymobile but, as any regular "Cheaters" viewer knows, Joey Greco's head don't boggle! This guy is a ROCK! Who Knows What Evil Lurks In The Hearts Of Men? The Greco Do! If it wasn't for Joey and "Cheaters" they would be fornicatin' right there in the street! "Do you mind? I gotta deliver a pizza!"
When I first saw "Cheaters" my initial thought (Aside from "Does she REALLY have to work late at the office tonight?") was that it was "The Jerry Springer Show" taken out of the studio and into the World in which it's audience lives. And now that I have moved to Greenland I can't tell you how much better I feel. But there is no mystery why such shows make people so uncomfortable. Too many Americans today insist on living in some sanitized Fantasy World in which their Beloved is not screwing fifty seven other people, their children are not plotting a Mass Murder, and their pet dog is not genetically mutating into a Flesh Eating Monster with tentacles and a big throbbing bug eyed cock - Those fools! Television's true function in the Twenty First Century is not to "entertain" or "amuse" but to raise one's awareness that everyone in your Life is plotting against you and there is nothing to do but DESTROY DESTROY KILL KILL KILL!!! You know, like reruns of "Married With Children" on FX.
Everybody has their favorite "Cheaters" cheater. I like the guy who jumped up as soon as Joey popped in with his camera crew, ran out, and kept right on running until the Cheaters Van ran outta gasoline. And I bet you that "Just Do It" motherfucker is still running. Like Forrest Gump, only he's got a pair (And I ain't talkin' 'bout Adidas, Mama!) Last week he crossed the border into Costa Rica and was elected President, ticker tape all over the place. Am I supposed to clean it up? Have you seen my apartment? Would you like to? I'm gonna use that line on London from "The Suite Life With Zack And Cody" when I get to Hollywood. If the Running Dude don't get their first!
"Cheaters" episodes are available on DVD, of course, and I've got to get the one where Joey got STABBED! How did I miss that? Was that on the night Ace Frehley hosted "Saturday Night Live"? A lot of people say the stabbing was a hoax - BULLSHIT! Those are the same assholes who say that isn't really Ringo playing the drums on all those Beatles records and that the Apollo moon walk was faked from a TV studio somewhere (That might have been true about the Beatles appearance on "The Ed Sullivan Show"). When a Balls Out Brother like Joey Greco says that he has been stabbed he has been stabbed. What do you think this is? Hillary Clinton landing in an airplane under sniper fire or Wil Forbis touching a woman's breast on a date? Joey was stabbed in the stomach so badly that the technicians at JoeyGreco.com were working on a Joey Greco Colostomy Bag to go on sale with the coffee mugs and boggleheads. And, Buddy - That would have been one colostomy bag a man could wear with his boggle head held high!
But I know all about the stabbing incident from reading Joey's cover story in Vanity Fair - The cheating couple were on a boat in the middle of a lake so Joey and his mates attacked from all sides in one great big Reality TV Flotilla. "Cheaters, ahoy!" The original plan was to torpedo the boat from the "Cheaters" submarine so then Commadore Joey could confront the couple as they splashed around in the water surrounded by sharks but when the sharks found out that those two were cheaters they swam away with disgust. Sharks have tremendous respect for fidelity which is why in Peter Benchley's original novel "Jaws" the shark kills the Hooper character who has been having an affair with the Sheriff's Wife. Yeah, that's not in the movie cause when Steven Spielberg's Mom read the book to him he said "But why is the Hooper Man in bed with the Sheriff's Wife? Doesn't he have his own bed to sleep in? Can I have some ice cream?"
A great "Cheaters" episode would be one where some guy hires Cheaters to spy on his girlfriend and it turns out that Joey is fucking her. Then, when they show the guy the video, Joey could be like "Here you can see me fucking her in the ass. Then I pull out and come on her face. Then you called and she says she's going to stay late at Yoga class while she licks my ass." And then Joey just looks the guy square in the face and says "We know from a pretty good source that your girlfriend is going to be sucking that guy's cock on that park bench right over there in about ten minutes. You want to make some kind of confrontation out of it like a little bitch and get your scrawny little ass stomped?" And they guy's like "Uh, no . . . I think I'll just go home. Bye." and skulks off. "That's good!" Joey says "That's all for 'Cheaters' this week. And now I'm gonna get my cock sucked on that park bench right over there. Good night!"
So don't forget what it says in The Bible - Thou Shalt Not Covet They Neighbor's Wife. Or what it says in The Koran - Unless Your Neighbor Is Barak Obama, That Brother's Woman Is Totally SMOKIN'!!
For The Fool May Say In His Heart That There Is No God, but there is "Cheaters" right there on your TV set and Joey Greco is on the case. They've only scratched the surface with this show, pretty soon Joey Greco will be coming out with "Extreme Cheaters" ("Extreme", people are always throwing that word around these days. I've got no idea what they mean but at least I know how to spell it), an all new version of "Cheaters" with none of that Neville Chamberlain "Confrontation" crap. Nope, with "Extreme Cheaters" Joey Greco's coming in with guns blazing, blood flying, and brains all over the place - First use anybody's ever made of em. Yeah, swords up and knock the shit out of everybody. We have heard enough bullshit. So Gather Ye Rosebuds As Ye . . . Hey! Those are MY rosebuds! Get offa my yard, you goddam kids!
NEXT MONTH - John Saleeby Goes To Hooters And Gets His Ass Kicked In The Parking Lot
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org