By John Saleeby
After more than fifteen years of . . . Wait a minute. Before you start reading this, look out the window real quick, and if it is dark outside take all your clothes off, get in bed, and go to sleep. You will have plenty of time to read this tomorrow once the Sun comes out and you've finished working. But if it's dark out there right now, to Hell with it - Go to SLEEP!!! Don't worry about reading, don't worry about watching television, don't worry about talking to anybody, to Hell with EVERYTHING! Just go to SLEEP!!!
Excuse me if I'm being kind of Bossy here, but I'm a little excited because I've actually managed to learn something for the first time in my knuckleheaded Life - People are supposed to sleep at night! After more than fifteen years of working all night and sleeping all day I have recently returned to working all day and sleeping all night and - WOW!!! Here is an example of what I mean - People who sleep all night and work all day don't talk almost exclusively about what a hard time they had trying to sleep all day and what a hard time they're having awake all night. FAR OUT! I had no idea there were so many things to talk about once you finally gave up on trying to sleep all day and trying to stay awake all night! The other day - "day"! WOW!! - I was at work and someone mentioned the President! The President of the United States! I worked all night for fifteen years and the President never came up in conversation even once! One night I was at work and I fell asleep and had a dream where Harry Truman thought I stole his "THE BUCK STOPS HERE" sign off of his desk and tried to make it fall out of my pants pocket by kicking me in the ass but then I woke up and found out it was my Boss who was kicking me in the ass because I was asleep "Oh! Sorry, President Truman!" I said and he went around telling people about how I was so stupid I thought Truman Capote was President. But I cannot tell you how exciting it is to suddenly find myself in an atmosphere where things like the Presidency can be discussed in a meaningful dialogue. Who knows? Sometime I might even be able to find out who the President actually is. Wouldn't it be a trip if it was Truman Capote? Wow!
Another bad thing about working at night I have to tell you about before I fall asleep . . . See? That's another bad thing about working at night right there! It's always just a matter of time until you fall asleep and everything goes to Hell. So it's a sad pitiful hurry to get everything done before you're curled up in the fetal position in the middle of the floor with your thumb in your mouth. Falling asleep at Work is bad, but eventually you're going to start falling asleep every where you go "Excuse me, are you the Manager of this store?" "Yes, Maam!" "That stupid John Saleeby guy is curled up in the fetal position in the middle of the Produce Department!" "Again!?! That poor dumb bastard! Hey! John Saleeby! Wake up!" "Huh? Wha? Huh? I just need to get some bananas for my 'Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp' comedy sketch! Uh oh! Did I fall asleep again?" "Get outta here, ya big silly Zombie!" "Did I bite somebody? Sorry!"
People who work at night and haven't been getting enough sleep don't have enough energy to commit to their work and the results are not too good, no! You ever listen to the Radio at three or four o'clock in the morning? "Uh . . . That was Def Leppard. I think. Or was it Bon Jovi? Maybe it was Bon Jovi? Was that the 'You live for the fight when it's all that you've got' song I just played? I dunno . . . And now I'm gonna play . . . Where'd that ZZ Top CD go? Goddammit! Oh! It was underneath my sandwich. Wait a minute! Mustard? She put mustard on my sandwich? Aw, CRAP!!! I thought it smell kind of . . . mustard-y in here. Oh, did I play that commercial just now while I was looking for that ZZ Top CD? I plugged the Strip Club after that ZZ Top song, right? Yeah, I think I did. Where'd my sandwich go?"
Nobody knows what the hell is going on at night. Somebody breaks into your house in the middle of the night, just kill em and eat em. If you call the Cops they'll only get your address wrong and shoot up another house in your neighborhood. You've got to be nuts to try to have a pizza delivered to your house at night, Pizza Delivery Guys are the absolute worst of the Working At Night Nincompoops. Even the guys behind the counter at the All Night Liquor Store laugh at those clowns. You order a pizza at night and you might as well call Aisha Tyler and ask her to come over and make out with you on the sofa for all the results you're gonna get. If the guy who picks up the phone at the pizza place doesn't lie down and go to sleep right in the middle of taking your order the guy who makes the pizza will lie down and go to sleep right in the middle of throwing the dough up in the air and curl up in the fetal position using the dough as a pillow. You know, a lot of the pizzas you buy in the day time are made with dough used by the night time guys as pillows. That dough is Comfy Cozy. You'd be better off eating your pillow. That sounds like a joke, but you put the right kind of cheese, tomato sauce, and pepparoni on that pillow and you've really got something. At least you won't be sitting around all night waiting for the pizza delivery guy. Cause if the guy who makes the pizza doesn't fall asleep and lay around using the dough for a pillow all night the delivery guy will take the pizza and fall asleep in his car on his way to your house and crash into a big ass non-Comfy non-Cozy tree. You're sitting around in your house all night talking about how much you'd like to choke the pizza delivery guy to death with your bare hands and that poor fool is going into rigor mortis with the steering column of his car sticking into his chest and out of his back with cheese, tomato sauce, and pepparoni all of over him while the Cops use the Jaws Of Death to cut him out of there and go "Mmmmmm . . . Something smells GOOD!" That cannot be good for you Spiritually. Forget the damn pizza! Just go to bed!
The fact that Modern Society cannot function without a bunch of people lurching around doing stuff at three three in the morning when everybody else is asleep is only further proof that American Culture is a stinking mess. All these bozos staggering around in the middle of the night making do nuts, delivering pizzas, and hosting TV Talk Shows only make it more difficult to identify the creeps who are cheating on their wives or trying to get rid of a dead body. In a healthy society the only people running around in the middle of the night are the creeps who are cheating on their wives or trying to get rid of a dead body. But in today's overpopulated bloated mess of a civilization there are so many poor maroons running around in the middle of the night that the creeps are getting off scott free! Yes! Not only are the creeps getting off - They're getting off SCOTT FREE!! Everybody go to SLEEP!!!
There's nothing good on TV!! They pushed Johnny Carson into giving "The Tonight Show" to Jay Leno and then Conan O'Brien had it but now Jay Leno has it again and Conan . . . Who the hell cares? Just go to bed! Johnny Carson is DEAD!!! GO TO BED!!!
Yeah, that Winkin', Blinkin', and Noddin' is some GOOD STUFF! I was snoozing just now and . . . I don't have the slightest idea what was going on. Isn't that awesome? Why can't it always be like that? All that crap in my past - Growing up in New Orleans, all that stupid teenage shit, four years in the Army, doing Stand Up in New York . . . If I had slept all through the whole thing I wouldn't have missed a goddam thing. Why the hell were those people always waking me up? Oh . . . Because I was snoring! I was making so much noise they couldn't sleep, Sorry! Okay, I'll get up. But I ain't doing no more Stand Up!
John Saleeby wrote
for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up
comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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