John Saleeby, Honorably Discharged From The United States Army, March
1, 1986. Should Have Stayed In, But Noooooo - I Had To Go To New York
And Become A Stand Up Comic, Oh Boy, When I Screw Up I REALLY Screw
Well, Thank God they finally started
dropping bombs on people! For a while there it looked like the only
bombs we were gonna see around here were "Emeril" and "Inside Schwartz".
That war took longer to show up than the girls at a Chess Club meeting.
But if you thought all the trivial things we were talking about before
September 11 were silly how about the crap we came up with between the
terrorist attacks and our first bombing of Talibanistan? Like how it
was everybody's patriotic duty to buy a plane ticket, fly to New York,
and see "The Producers" cause "We've got to save the musical theater!"
As teenage girls, gay men, and people who talk like teenage girls and
gay men would say - "Please." And all that foolishness about Bill Maher
on "Politically Incorrect" - Boy, how dull would your life have to be
for you to write an article about that? And
comparing Rudy Guiliani to Churchill - Quick! What British government
position did Churchill hold during the First World War? Huh? Huh? Okay,
try this one - What political party was Churchill a member of while
Prime Minister? Huh? You don't know that one either? Mmm . . . Let's
try just one more - What was Churchill's first name? What? I am sorry,
but - No, Churchill's first name was not Rudy. No more Churchill talk,
But, Hey! Speaking of Prime
Ministers, a lot of British people ( I'm being generous with that "people"
there, I almost wrote "dangerously inbred pink bipods" but didn't because
I didn't want to hurt any loud drunken unattractive person's feelings
) are unhappy with Tony Blair for going on and on and on and on and
on and on so much about . . . What was that man carrying on so much
about? Oh yes, the terror war. That guy couldn't be more tedious if
he was a rock critic who has just discovered Sinatra. Don't mind us,
Britishes, here in America we're so accustomed to nervous mumbling from
our leader that compared to him Blair is Marlon Brando in "Street Car
Name Designer" ( "Is dis da stop for da Versace street car?" ). Speaking
as an American - Drunk and banging my beer bottle on top of the table
for emphasis - I say "How dare youse limey beans put down Selma Blair
- I'm sorry, I mean Tony Blair ( I was in Alabama yesterday ) for going
into such a supportive tizzy over our war against the Taliban ( But
not against Islam, just in case being told that every three seconds
all day long for three weeks isn't long enough for you to catch on )?
I say, Tony, Old Boy, Old Chap, Old Bean, Old Spice, Old Yeller, Old
Navy Khaki Pants On Sale This Weekend - You're too funky for this crowd.
Come to America, become a citizen, and then run for - " Yes, I know
it's against the law for foreign born citizens to be elected President.
Tony Blair can still run for President Of The United States without
breaking the law, it's not like he's got a chance in Hell of ever being
elected. I just get off on watching guys who are a million times more
successful than I am falling flat on their asses.
The first night's attack
included dozens of US planes, several British submarines, and a French
guy doing Jerry Lewis' Invisible Typewriter routine. All the bombs we
drop of Adghanistan seem to have "FOR THE NYPD" written on them. I know
some black guys who have toilet plungers with that written on them.
Thank you, Apollo!! Peace out!! Will the draft be brought back? Yeah,
sure - Why not? All of the Baby Boomers who weren't drafted and sent
to Vietnam in the sixties should be drafted and sent to Afghanistan.
Or Vietnam. Or Finland - Hell, send em anyplace where I won't have to
listen to em flappin' their gums all the time - I'm sick of the bastids.
Did you see "The Osama Bin
Laden Show" on Al Jazeera TV the other day? "Those who live in America
will never taste security and safety!" Well, those who live in Afghanistan
will never taste Popeye's Fried Chicken, a McDonalds Quarter Pounder
With Cheese, or a Burger King Whopper with onion rings, Mister Bin There
Laden Done That Laden. He is sooo queer. I bet he doesn't even have
a chloresterol problem. Watch that video while you play an old Steve
Martin record and it's just like an old sit com I used to have on Al
Jazeera called "The Flatulant Infidel Who's Very Existance Is A Rebuke
To The Memory Of Our Holy Prophet" ( It's a lot catchier in Arabic,
sounded kinda like "BALALALALALALALALALA!!!" ). We only made it because
we got the much coveted Thursday night eight thirty spot after "Aoipca".
Speaking of television -
And being Americans, do we have any choice in the matter? - they cancelled
the Emmy Awards the night of the first attacks. Not because of the attacks,
really - They just knew that stupid Jenna Elfman was gonna be there
and they couldn't stand to be around the bitch. Which reminds me - Has
Heather Locklear ever had anything even vaguely resembling an ass? What,
did Tommy Lee win it in some weird Hollywood prenup agreement? Yeah,
he's got it in a safety deposit box somewhere. Some poor Mexican lady
has to open it up and clean it out twice a day. What does Heather Locklear's
ass have to do with terrorism? Nothing! But I've got to carry on, I've
got to get back to normal! Because if I stop doing jokes about women's
asses the terrorists will have won. Well, the terrorists and my Mom.
But what the hell was that prayer service they had in Yankee Stadium?
What kind of religon has services officiated by Oprah Winfrey and Bette
Midler? I'll become a Voodoo Witch Doctor and bring the XFL back from
the dead before I'll pray with Bette Midler. They all said "Amen", looked
down at their feet, and they were all wearing THE MOST FABULOUS NEW
SHOES!! God was up in Heaven going "Hello, operator? For the next hour
I'm only taking calls from Kabul, okay?"
It's interesting that for
the first time in history we had an anti war movement before we had
a war. This movement seems to be based on the teachings of a man named
Noam Chomsky. There are other prominant thinkers in the "We Couldn't
Get A Date To The Prom And Now America Is Gonna Pay" crowd such as Danny
Tyler, Bob Peters, and Dennis Clark - But if you're gonna get the attention
of the kinda people who wear Bierkenstocks and are deeply offended by
Columbus Day you've just gotta have a name like "Noam Chomsky". Actually,
you could probably find more people in the United States who admire
Osama Bin Laden than admire Noam Chomsky, but that's probably because
Bin Laden at least has the spunk to get up off his ass and really do
something. Chomsky would be thrilled if a few if his devotees did something
to kill a few thousand ugly Americans, but most of them haven't left
the house since Jerry Garcia kicked.
There was an anti war protest
in Central Park in which they chanted "No war in our name! No war in
our name!" so then President Bush had to find a new name instead of
The Pussies In The Park War. Isn't that the English translation of "Pelopenesian"?
I can't look it up, I'm too busy working on my Bruce Vilanch look. Which
reminds me, Whoopie Goldberg says she hasn't had any sense of humor
since September Eleven. Yeah - September Eleven, Nineteen Eighty Six!
Haw haw haw! What, you thought I was gonna keep a straight all through
And now everybody's scared
to death of an outbreak of Anthrax! Wow! That is entirely too frightening
to make jokes about, but that is exactly what I was saying about the
World Trade Center four weeks ago. So check out Acid Logic in a month
and there will be Anthrax jokes all over the place. Too bad we'll all
be dying of the shit by then and you won't have any sense of humor about
it. So just in case I'm too weak to say it then please allow me to say
it now - "Hey! It was just a joke! Sheesh! Okay! I'm sorry! Now get
off my freakin' back! Yikes!"
Okay, Okay, here's something
I've been working on for you -
THE SALEEBY PLAN FOR PEACE WITH THE ISLAMIC WORLD
There are two things the Muslim terrorists are fighting to destroy:
2) American Popular Culture
As for (1), they've just
got to get over it and shut the hell up. The fox will like the farmer
if the farmer lets the fox into the hen house but when the chickens
are all gone and the fox gets hungry the fox is gonna give the farmer
a bite on the behind. I just threw that in for all you old Ross Perot
admirers. Lord, you are dumb. But Isreal is here to stay. "We're here!
With a schmear! Get used to it, already!" So the prospects of peace
aren't looking too good until you remember that every single one of
us with a shred of intelligence and taste despises (2) faaaar more than
Bin Laden or Saddam Hussein could have ever thought possible. Was Saddam
Hussein ever dragged into a theater showing "Sleepless In Seattle" by
some chick he was going out with? Did Bin Laden ever have to keep a
straight face while all his buddies were jammin' to a Kansas album?
Nobody hates American culture more than any red blooded American, NO
So Here Is The Deal - They
leave Isreal alone and we step back and let em do whatever they want
to everybody in the Entertainment Industry. It's a great idea, so let's
get Bin Laden out of hiding and back to work before Hollywood gets one
of their pet Democrats into the White House and we'll have to dig out
"The Turner Diaries" again.
Oh, one more thing - Did
you know that "The Taliban" is Arabic for "The
Onion"? It's true!
What do you think? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!
wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand
up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him
earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org