Western Civilization: What’s In It For Me?
By John Saleeby
February 1st, 2015
Yeah Yeah Yeah, buncha Muslims shot all these Cartoonists in Paris - I got my own problems, man! My goddam car broke down Ten Miles outside of Monroe, Louisiana and I spent a half Hour in the freeziní rain trying to get a ride into Town. By the Time I got the damn thing towed into Monroe I was sick as a dog. Spent the whole Week End dying of Pneumonia while they figured out the car needed a whole new engine and then I had to rent a car so I could make it back to Work all Week . . . I GOT PROBLEMS! So, yeah, Iím really BUMMED OUT about those Terrorists killing all those French guys but, if nobodyís gonna be doing anything to fuck up all the other Terrorists and get all this ďTerror WarĒ ďJihadĒ thing settled for good - I DONíT CARE! I got a broken down car all the way over in Frigginí Monroe that I gotta worry about, I donít have Time to worry about all this stuff about how Cartoonists are Such A Great Bunch Of Guys and We All Gotta Stand Up For Free Speech and Je Suis Charlie Hebdo - Charlie Hebdo can BLOW ME! If I donít make it to Work cause my car is in ten million pieces scattered all over some Garage in Monroe is Charlie Hebdo gonna help me out? Is there gonna be a Cartoon in Charlie Hebdo next Month all about John Saleeby standing in the rain on the side of Interstate 20 trying to get a ride into goddam Monroe while ten million bastards drive right past to leave me to DIE? No, nobody gives a Ratís Ass about some stupid jerk freezing on the side of the road anymore than they give a Ratís Ass about Terrorists plotting to kill ten million bastards driving right past him. But if you ever want to see a Cartoon of a Ratís Ass it sounds like Charlie Hebdo is the Magazine for you!! !
All that LOUD TALK about what a bunch of Great Heroes all the Cartoonists are, where are all the Cartoons about KILLING TERRORISTS? That could be some FUNNY FUNNY stuff! But NOOOOO, You Canít Do That! That Would Be WRONG! We canít draw Cartoons about Cold Blooded Killers, that would be INSENSITIVE! ďBut look at THIS! Iím drawing a Cartoon of John Boehner making goofy faces at the State Of The Union Address! Edgy Edgy stuff! His face is ORANGE! WHOA! GUTSY!Ē! !
I DONíT CARE! If you guys are cool with those assholes dragging the World back into the Dark Ages so am I. I was a Teenager in the Seventies. I saw KISS on the ďRock And Roll OverĒ Tour, Cheap Trick on the ďHeaven TonightĒ Tour, Ted Nugent on the ďCat Scratch FeverĒ Tour - I saw Civilization at itís Zenith! Itís all been downhill from there, so if youíre really gonna let it all go to Hell, what do I care? Do you really think Fall Out Boy will ever come up with anything as Cool as Bachman Turner Overdrive? Weíve got another Presidential Election coming up, letís just put a Muslim in charge. ANOTHER one, I mean. A Muslim who at least has the balls to admit to being a Muslim. Yeah. Hey, if the Muslims take over will cars be banned? I know cars will be banned if the Global Warming people take over but itís pretty clear that the Muslims are going to take over one Hell of a lot sooner than those Global Warming douchebags ever will. You ever see a Video of an Environmentalist cutting a Hostageís head off? Those wusses donít even take Hostages! Isis will save me from having to spend all my money on a piece of shit used car a lot quicker than Al Gore will. A little Sharia Law could be just the thing for the scumbags stinking up the USA today. Oh, I canít Write Crazy Comedy Bits any more? FINE WITH ME! That bullshit hasnít caused me nothiní but trouble. Iím not the one thatís gonna be in danger when the Terrorists do a Hit on the Acid Logic office. ďAcid Logic officeĒ! Thatís a Good One! So what if they ban everything? If I see ďSeinfeldĒ one more time Iím gonna kill myself!! !
I donít care and neither do you, letís all be Monkeys in the Zoo! I never get to do anything I want to do, why should anybody else? All my Life Iíve been Living in a Free Country and all I ever got to do was Work my ass off. How bad can it be under the Ayatollah? At least Iíll be able to take care of stuff without having to listen to morons yelling at each other about The Super Bowl. I DONíT CARE!! ! !
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - email@example.com
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