By John Saleeby
September 1, 2002
A whole year has gone by
since September 11 and I am still very worried about something like
that happening again. So worried, in fact, that I think we should be
doing things to prevent that sort of thing from happening again. I remember
a whole lot of us felt that way back in late 2001 right after the attacks,
but as of now, those who still feel that way are fewer and fewer with
each passing day. Why, how silly of me to speak of Al Quada without
the same disdainful tone the hip and sophisticated reserve for NASCAR!
What a schmuck I am to view Donald Rumsfeld as anything but a doddering
old diaper wearing fogie! Wake up, Old Boy, The Terror War - Oh, I'm
sorry - "The Terror War" is a hoax, a fraud! It's only about
oil and keeping Bush's poll ratings up. Come on, it's okay! What you
really should be worried about is if the Baby Boomers will be able to
retire in comfort at age fifty. Now THAT'S an emergency!
So I apologize if more rational
minds find this offensive, but I can't help but think how really, really
BAD it would be if another couple thousand Americans were killed by
Muslim Fundamentalist terrorists. Maybe I'm a crazy cracker, but something
like that would upset me. Not only that, but I believe that the people
at the highest levels of our government should think the same way. Boy,
am I an asshole!
See, I grew up in The Cold
War when it was assumed that if an American city like New York was bombed
by the Soviet Union citizens in other towns all across the USA would
go to war to prevent the Russians from inflicting further damage. How
silly that seems in 2002! Oh! I get it - If the Soviets had nuked New
York back in the fifties we all would have agreed that it was all our
fault for segregation in the Deep South and not allowing Liberace and
Sal Mineo to come out of the closet. Oh okay, great! That's why I spent
four years in the United States Army, so if I ever get blown to smithereens
my fellow citizens will see it on the news and wonder how long until
the "Seinfeld" rerun comes on. "Eh, he'd been in the
Army? He musta done somethin' to provoke it."
But everything - And I do
mean EVERYTHING - that the Bush Administration wants to do to prevent
future terror attacks is viewed as Just Another Step In The Straight
White Man's Evil Plan To Exterminate The Blacks, Gays, And Jews. (Editor’s
Note: Hey John, SHUT UP! You know we're not supposed to talk about the
plan in public!) The United States military attack on Afghanistan
had absolutely nothing to do with the Taliban or Al Queda, it was Just
Another Step In The Straight White Man's Evil Plan To Exterminate The
Blacks, Gays, And Jews. Why couldn't the straight white men exterminate
the blacks, gays, and Jews without attacking Afghanistan? Who knows,
those bastards are out of their minds! But, hey - Why blame anybody
in Afghanistan or anybody in the Middle East at all for the September
11 attack when everybody knows that those planes crashing into the World
Trade Center and the Pentagon was Just Another Step In The Straight
White Man's Evil Plan To Exterminate The Blacks, Gays, And Jews?
And don't even mention John
Ashcroft! Was the weekend I spent darting through the woods chasing
small animals after injecting Ted Nugent's pineal gland fluid into my
arm the same weekend they found a gas chamber, an incinerator, and a
bin full of gold molars on John Ashcroft's property? John Ashcroft says
"Hello! I'm John Ashcroft, the Attorney General Of The United States!"
and to some people it sounds like "KILL THE QUEERS! KILL THE NIGGERS!
KILL THE CHRIST KILLERS! KILL! KILL! KILL!" But they're not the
first people to suffer from this affliction, back in the early sixties
when JFK said "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what
you can do for your country" a lot of people heard "I only
get to be President cause my daddy's really rich and now I'm gonna get
all the really nice pussy! Ha ha ha!" But we had the Vietnam War
for that Patrician turd and if your face was on fire and John Ashcroft
offered you a bucket of water you'd let your eyeballs turn into meatballs
just to spite him. And how are you gonna make bitchy remarks about the
dresses on Oscar night, then?
President Bush says we should
attack Iraq before Saddam Hussein can use weapons of mass destruction
(We have really gotta come up with a catchier phrase for ‘em than that.
How about "Germans"?) against us. But Henry Kissinger has
gone on record as opposing an attack on Iraq because it would constitute
a violation of the 1648 Treaty Of Westphalia. Did he just make that
up? Is there really such a thing as the 1648 Treaty Of Westphalia? I
bet he's just pulling that out of his ass. Send Condoleezza Rice
out there with the 1709 Treaty Of Van Halen and shut Kissinger up for
good. If he's such a great example we'd bomb Baghdad in secret. So we
just have to give Saddam Hussein the benefit of a doubt and just sit
around watching Phil Donahue on MSNBC until we finally get definite
proof of his Bad Guyness by him doing something even the New York Times
might take offense to, like nuking Chicago and killing a few thousand
people. Yeah, maybe if a coupla hundred thousand people in Illinois
die in a blinding flash Europeans and the staff of Salon.com will
give the United States permission to go out and defend itself.
But we'd better remember to say "Please".
And everyone dumb enough
to fly on the airlines since September 11 knows what a stinking shitstorm
we've made out of Orville Wright's Great Miracle O' Flight. The stupidity
of the whole thing has already been well covered by Anne Coulter. Me,
now that I've managed to survive the ordeal without sucking the eyeballs
right of a Memphis Security Goon's head and spitting them right in a
FBI's Agent's face, I'd rather just write about how much I love Anne
Coulter! Sure, she's completely out of her gourd and she's way too skinny
- But she's really pretty, she's funny, and she's got more money than
all them miserable liberal columnists combined (Which is what you'd
think they'd do if socialism was really as great an idea as they make
out to be.) Marry me, Anne Coulter! Marry me and maybe I'll even bother
to read your book. Marry me, you big beautiful bulimic party girl
you! If you think Bill Maher is a fun guy to hang around with just wait
until you make it with a really funny guy who blew off that cornball
stand up jazz to . . . uh . . . Dedicate my talents to furthering the
Conservative cause! Yeah! That's it! That's why I quit stand up - Sure!
You can fill the kid's heads with any kind of wierd crap you want, Anne.
With you and me as parents they're doomed to be the kind of country
club trash that bashes somebody's skull in with a piece of sporting
equipment no matter what kind of bullshit you scream at ‘em about Franklin
Roosevelt and The New Deal over dinner while I'm in the kitchen doing
Marlon Brando's "Stick Of Butter" trick from "Last Tango
In Paris" to the Maid. Ah, yes - You'll put on some weight and
I'll stop reciting dialogue from "Boogie Nights" whenever
grown ups try to have conversations with me. Have I gone on too long
with the Anne Coulter thing? I don't care - I LOVE HER!!! There! I said
it - BOLD AND UNASHAMED!
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to meeeee
Anyway the wind blows -
"Bohemian Rhapsody" which might as well be the Battle Hymn
Of Our Generation after the way you faggots have carried on for the
past year. Freddie Mercury was George Patton compared to you shits.
Hhhhmmm, maybe typing up the last draft of this while playing The Sex
Pistols after drinking six cups of coffee isn't such a great idea.
Here's an indication of
how worthless we are today in 2002 - The families of more than three
thousand people killed on September 11 are eligible to collect almost
one and a half million dollars in financial compensation for their loss.
But, get a load of THIS, so far only about six hundred claims have been
made. Why? Because they don't think it's enough money! God help us if
all the players in the NBA are killed in a terror attack. If I thought
I felt bad for the people who died on September 11 before my heart really
goes out to them now that I know what kind of people they had for relatives.
Their lives must have been a living Hell. Maybe now they can finally
get some rest and peace.
Yep, on September 11, 2002
they'll all be gathered at Ground Zero swapping funny stories about
appearing on all the morning news shows, gossiping about whose literary
agent is handling whose book deal, offering advice about how to and
how not to act when pitching script treatments to Hollywood studio executives,
and then . . . BAG PIPES!!!
I don't recall the exact
details because as soon as I heard about ‘em on TV I launched projectile
vomiting with such tremendous velocity I knocked a hole in the wall
and now the Chinese Man who lives next door can watch me do the "Run
To The Radio And Change The Station" dance everytime Bob Seger
comes on, but on the morning of September 11, 2002 bag pipe marching
bands from every borough will come squealing and squawking into Manhattan
to coverge on Ground Zero and . . . Ugh. Like I said, I'm shakey on
the exact details, but one thing's f' sho - I won't be watchin'!
How did this shit come to
pass? We didn't have all these bag pipes when I was little, if they
did I would have grown up into even more of a mad man than I am right
now. Now there's a staggering thought. I mean SHIT! If bag pipes are
really going to be a permanent, pervasive presence on the American scene
I want to go record as saying I don't wanna have anymore to do with
American Culture (And I'm being generous as Hell with that capital "C”)
than crazy Fundamentalist Muslims and Christians do. Did Allen Ginsberg,
William Burroughs, and the Beats feel as alienated from the America
of the fifties as I do every time I hear a bunch of guys playing bag
pipes in front of a whole bunch of people, not a single one of which
is writhing in agony? I'd pack up and go to Tangier but nowadays they'd
really think you were a traitor for that.
I can't remember the last
time I heard "Amazing Grace" sung by a big fat black
woman - the way God meant it to be performed. I bet I'm the only guy
who remembers the lyrics -
Don't play bag pipes
They sound like shit
You big dumb cracker assholes
Army, Navy, Marine Corps guys kick Fireman ass
Go home and slide on yer poles