"When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge it seems proof that not only does God exist but you are doing his will."
- President George W Bush, September 11, 2001
Yep, the article ain't even started and already I'm messing with you - That's not from whatever the hell Bush said that terrible day, that's Uma Thurman from the narration of "Kill Bill Vol. 1", the best movie about knocking the crap outta people who've been begging to have the crap knocked outta them since "Animal House". (Okay, so my ideas about revenge are a little more mischievous than some other people's , I just find throwing a sackfull of marbles into the path of mine enemies so much more entertaining than anything I ever saw Charles Bronson do in any of those tedious "Death Wish" movies.)
Judging from many folk's reaction to recent events, there are obviously a lot of people in America who would see these movies and think "Well, okay - So these people broke into the middle of her wedding, massacred all the people she loves, and put a bullet in her head so she lost her unborn child and spent four years in a coma - Why can't she just move on and, uh, volunteer as an operator for the local Public Television fundraising drive?" But those kinda people wouldn't be caught dead at a screening of the "Kill Bill" movies - They're written and directed by Quentin Tarantino, the same white man who wrote and directed "Pulp Fiction" in which he cast himself as a white man who repeatedly uses the word "nigger". And even more suspicious than that, while our government fights an international war to track down and kill the people responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans, Mister "Nigger Storage Facility" has the . . . uh . . . What would the New York Times say in this situation? The . . . oh . . . (Saleeby opens up a novel by John Updike, closes his eyes, and puts his finger on the page) Oh! That's a good one! While our government fights a war to track down and kill the people responsible for that event these people don't want us to talk about, this Tarantino person has the DEBUTANTE to make a movie about REVENGE! Just when they thought it was safe to go to the movies now that Clint Eastwood is too old to play Dirty Harry and makes movies with Sean Penn and Tim Robbins! Mon Dieu!!
The "Kill Bill" plot is pretty basic comic book stuff - The Deadly Viper Assasination Squad attacks a Texas wedding chapel because The Bride (As Uma's character is identified until the very end of "Vol. 2") has dropped out of the Squad in a desperate attempt to lead a normal life once she learns that she has become pregnant. Unfortunately for the Deadly Vipers, they have failed to kill The Bride and she spends the next four years in a coma. One day she suddenly regains consciousness and begins to track down the Vipers, killing them one by one. And that's it. In "Kill Bill Vol. 1" She kills Vivica A. Fox and Lucy Liu and in "Vol. 2" she goes after Michael Madsen, Darryl Hannah, and finally David Carradine as "Bill". Tarantino was making it all up as he was going along, which is why it turned out to be more than four hours long and had to be cut up into two different movies. Now that it's all over, I wish he had brought in Tim Roth, Amanda Plummer, John Travolta, Samuel Jackson, Steve Buscemi, Pam Grier, Bruce Willis, Michael Keaton, Bridget Fonda, Eric Stolz, Chris Penn, Harvey Keitel, and everybody else from "Reservoir Dogs", "Pulp Fiction", and "Jackie Brown" as additional members of The Deadly Viper Squad so we could still have "Kill Bill Volumes 3 - 12". But that would have taken so long to shoot that at this pointwe still wouldn't have seen "Kill Bill Vol. 1" and I'd probably be writing an Acid Logic article about my "Best Of The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts" DVD.
When I first heard about "Kill Bill" I didn't think it was going to be very good because it was inspired by all those Hong Kong Kung Fu movies Tarantino is always jabbering about and to me that sounded about as promising as a series of movies based on those stupid "Lord Of The Rings" books. I don't know about you guys, but I don't want to see another movie with Chinese guys kicking each other for as long as I live. Tarantino loves that stuff enough to watch thousands of hours of it and make something worthwhile out of it - I saw a couple of Bruce Lee movies in the seventies and can't even be bothered to make up any jokes about the guy. I just don't give a shit . . . What? No, that's all I have to say on the matter - Move on to the next paragraph! . . . What are you still hanging around for? I'm finished! . . . What? The Wise Ass Comedy Writer's Rule Book says I'm obliged to do a "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" routine? Screw the Rule Book, man, this is the internet - If I wanted to get a job working for Lorne Michaels I'd still be in New York sucking up to those bums at The Comedy Cellar - Get the Hell outta here before I do to you what I shoulda done to Dave Chappelle!
Now, Uma Thurman . . . I don't have the vocabulary for an informed discussion on acting but, from what I've read, neither does any one else. There may be more respected actresses around, but if I'm going to watch somebody singlehandedly kill an entire nightclub of screaming Yakuzas, Uma Is The One. Despite that, Uma never really had the career she deserves. (You and me both, baby!) She's one of the most beautiful women in the world but she's too tall to fit into Hugh Hefner's idea of the kind of woman he can pay to be his ideal woman and too strong a personality to play the Damsel In Distress while some guy who probably plays the Damsel In Distress a lot in real life comes to her rescue. So she's had what they call a "journeyman" career, taking this job and that, but at least she makes the Big Bucks and there's one less hot chick in New York bitching about having to wait tables for a living and thinking about putting together a stand up comedy act.
There is no female movie star quite like Uma. Remember that scene in "Jerry McGuire" where Tom Cruise gets fired from the sports agency and Renee Zellweger is the only one in the whole office who's willing to go with him and everybody thinks she's nuts and I can't believe I got all the way through this without making a joke about how much of an asshole Cuba Gooding Jr. is? If it had been Uma in that movie instead of Renee and Uma was willing to go with Tom Cruise everybody in the place would have said "Well, shit - If SHE'S going with him, I'm going with him, too! Jeez, I'm not going up against that woman, she'll cream the whole bunch of us singlehanded! Eeyow!" Now, just try to imagine Renee Zelweger in the role of "The Bride". I love Renee to death but if I ever saw a movie where she was nailed up in a coffin, buried six foot under, and she used her Super Kung Fu Skills to PUNCH HER WAY OUT OF THE COFFIN AND CLAW UP OUT OF THE GROUND LIKE SOME KINDA ZOMBIE . . . I'm sorry, I can't write, I'm laughing my ass off and I gotta get it off the floor before the dog gets it. If you buried Renee Zelweger like that she'd use it as an oppurtunity to starve off all the extra pounds she put on for the new "Bridget Jones" movie and then the Premature Grave Diet would be the latest fad once all the fat chicks wise up to that Atkins scam. Put Gwyneth Paltrow in a coffin and she's so skinny the maggots would have to send out for Chinese food. Put Nicole Kidmon in a coffin and it would be so cold you could store Walt Disney in there. Put Julia Roberts in a coffin and . . . Well, just put the bitch in a coffin and bury her in the ground. Sounds good to me. Put Salma Hayek in a coffin and... Hey, maybe she really has been buried in a coffin, whatever happened to that girl? Maybe she got blacklisted for dumping Ed Norton. She's hot, but have you seen Ed Norton in "Fight Club"? He's gorgeous! What? Oh, Ed Norton was the OTHER guy in "Fight Club"? oh . . . Ahem . . . Let's move along.
You'd think people would know better than to mess with Uma in real life but, as we've all heard, she recently split up with Ethan Hawke after the goddam fool had an affair with some bimbo model. So the whole time we've been watching "Kill Bill Vol. 1" and "Kill Bill Vol. 2" inside her head Uma has been watching "Kill Ethan Vol. 1", "Kill Ethan Vol. 2", "Kill Ethan Vol. 3", "Kill Ethan Vol. 4", "Kill Ethan Vol. 5", "Kill Ethan Vol. 6", "Kill Ethan Vol. 7", "Kill Ethan Vol. 8" . . . Man, the only thing dumber than losing Uma Thurman is getting engaged to Jennifer Lopez. Ethan Hawke is so dumb he'll probably get engaged to Ben Affleck. But let me tell ya.
Yeah, yeah, yeah - I know Tarantino is an asshole, but he still makes great movies. I don't have any big opinion on how he compares to other directors - If Bill Murray hadn't been in "Lost In Translation" you couldn't have gotten me to see it if I had been in it and if just one more person asks if I've seen "Adaptation" I'm gonna say "Why? Is it as good as 'Mo' Better Blues' and 'School Daze'? Haw haw haw! Get it? It's a 'Spike' joke! Get it? Haw haw haw! That's why I didn't see 'Three Kings' - Cause Spike was in it and I hated him in 'Do The Right Thing'! Haw haw haw!" I have about three hundred "Spike" jokes like that all ready and I'm gonna follow the next person to ask me about "Adaptation" around screaming my "Spike" jokes and "Haw haw haw!"ing at em until they get mad and give me a good reason to beat the piss out of em. Seriously, I used to do things like that when I was drinking and living in New York.
Speaking of drinking and living in New York, my admiration for "Kill Bill Vol. 1" couldn't have put more of a damper on relations with my old writing friends up in New York any more than if I had managed to actually make a few bucks off of my writing. Apparently it's not cool with the New York writing (Translation - "Drinking") crowd to say positive things about Quentin Tarantino. Well . . . Shucks! If that's what happens when I send an email to someone about how much I like "Kill Bill Vol. 1", I better keep how much I like "Kill Bill Vol. 2" all to myself, right? So that's why I wrote an article making fun of Jessica Simpson for this issue of Acid Logic - Cause what people I used to drink with fifteen years with ago think is sooo important to me!
NEXT ISSUE - "Angel Of Destruction Vol. 2"
(Uh, we don't need another volume of this stuff, do we, folks? Hey, John - How about an article making fun of Jessica Simpson for the next issue? - Wil Forbis, Acid Logic Editor)
Uh . . . Okay! That could be funny!
(Send the guy an Izzy Stradlin And The Ju Ju Hounds CD for Christmas and he'll do anything. - Wil Forbis, Acid Logic Editor)
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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