By Rich Evans
I have a question for all of the "Survivor" fans out there! Please feel
free to ask others (especially the guys) this one, too. Remember last
weeks (sic) endurance challenge where they were all standing on those
pillars? Besides exhaution (sic), some jumped off when they were offered
peanut butter, others chocolate, ice cream, helping another teammate,
or just a boat ride back.
Well, I'm just
wondering...If you were standing on those pillars, what (if anything
or anyone) would get you to jump off and lose immunity?
Hmmmm.......that's a tough
one. I think I'd have to say that if I found myself standing on a pillar
on a deserted island, or in the outback, or wherever the hell they are
now, being treated like a trained seal in a three ringed multimedia
circus for the financial gain of an insidious entertainment monolith
that enriches itself through the misfortune of others, pandering to
the lowest common denominator, and insulting their audience's intelligence,
what would truly entice me to step down from yonder pedestal of stupidity
would be the promise of a quick and painless death, preferably by a
single bullet to the base of my skull. I'd also hold out for an assurance
that all records of my existence, particularly the ones pertaining to
my participation in such a colossal waste of time and energy, be unceremoniously
destroyed. No amount of money is worth debaseing one's self to such
an extreme. Can you tell I've never watched the show?
If I want to see people
struggling to survive in an unforgiving environment with all the odds
stacked against them, I'll visit one of the tent cities that spring
up from time to time in various parts of Seattle, where people who have
lost more than any of us will hopefully ever know (sometimes through
their own fault, sometimes not) , fight to survive in an unforgiving
environment right in our own backyard. If I wanted to test my survival
skills, yet hold a glimmer of hope for a 7 figure payday, I'd start
trafficking cocaine internationally. At least that money is tax free!
It worked for Al Pacino in "Scarface"....at least for a little while....
Besides - I just can't bring
myself to watch a show that shares a name with one of the lamest, corporate
rock bands of the 80s. What's next? They strand a bunch of people in
Antarctica and call the show "Icehouse"??? Throw a bunch of glass blowers
into the African jungles and see who can create the best sculpture of
a big cat without being devoured? They could call that one "Glass Tiger."
Wait a second...how about a spinoff, substituting a bunch of albinos
for the CPAs and calling it "White Lion?" OK, that one's a stretch,
but you get the idea....
I've come to the conclusion
that CBS stands for "Cocksucking Bastard Sons of Bitches"!!!! Here's
some irony for you - Isn't this the same network that cancelled "Gilligan's
Island" after 2 seasons? Also, didn't they force feed us Dick Van Dyke,
Angela Lansbury, and that fucking douche bag Andy Rooney for eons? And
who can forget the abysmal, unforgivable, lump of llama shit known as
"After MASH?" These are sins from which they can never be absolved.
Unfortunately, there is
no 12 step program to recover from so called "Reality TV." I guess I
had to go with the old Nancy Reagan thing and "Just Say No" to it all.
I never watched "The Real World" (though I did play a show on a bill
with one of the guys from the first season and he was a SUPREME FUCKING
EGOMANIAC DICK!!!!), "Jerry Springer," or even "Real People" in the
80s. I like to get my fix of genuine humanity the old fashioned way
- getiing drunk with as many different kinds of people as humanly possible.
Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but in the immortal words of Yogi Berra,
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
On a serious note, I will
leave you all with one of my favorite quotes of all time. As we hurtle
thru the universe on this insane spheroid, struggling to hang on for
dear life, every once in a while you encounter something that makes
your grip just a bit more firm. This does it for me. Hope it does for
you as well.
"Scar tissue is stronger
than regular tissue. Realize the strength. Move on." Henry Rollins,
Pissing in the Gene Pool.