By Johnny Apocalypse
August 1, 2011
So there I was, taking a plane for a quick trip to Alaska, and trying to write. I was tired of reading, so I whipped out pen and paper and decided to whip up some literature. Sadly, nothing came to mind, and the page remained blank for about twenty minutes.
It was then that I decided to try some free association writing. For those who don’t know, this is when you simply write whatever comes to mind. No editing, no censorship. So I simply took the first thought that came to mind and let it roam from there.
The following is what I came up with. Nothing has been edited (this includes the spelling, because I’m awesome at spelling). Maybe some psychologist will come along this and perform some curious analysis of my mind, but all this really says is that my mind works in ridiculous fashions. Some of this seems pretty funny to me, some is just plain weird. But regardless, I was pleased enough with the experiment to publish it on Acid Logic.
Without further ado, “Random Thoughts from a Plane to Alaska”.
That stewardess has a marvelous ass.
I love flying. Not the airports, airports suck. But getting on the plane and taking off, soaring through the air. Awesome. I’d fly to work if I had the chance. Definitely the best way to travel. If I’d been in on the meeting where someone said “we’re going to take several tons of metal, fiberglass, plastic and chairs, make it fly through the air, and it will be safe”, I would have called him a fucking idiot. And yet, here I am. Several tons of crap, flying through the skies, and I feel as safe as I do in my home.
I’ll never understand why so many people are scared of flying. I don’t even care about the statistics of how safe it is, it feels safe. Yes, we’re thousands of miles in the air. Yes, we’re moving at hundreds of miles per hour. But it doesn’t feel like I’m moving. Feels like sitting in a slightly noisy room with a bunch of other people.
Fear of crashing my ass. That’s just a general fear of death. No point in it. If the plane crashes, do you know what you’re going to do? You going to die. That’s all. But we’re going to die anyway. Old age, if you’re lucky. With my luck, I’ll probably get hit by a meteor any day now.
There’s that stewardess’s ass again. The hell with calling them flight attendants. Too unisex. I’ll never compliment a man’s ass, but what’s the reader to infer from “that flight attendant has a great ass”? Could be a man or a woman. Nope, stewardess is the way to go.
Hope I don’t get lynched by feminists for saying that. I don’t see any on this plane, but they blend in pretty well when they’re not rallying and protesting. It’s not like I’m saying stewardess to be a sexist.
Awesome, that stewardess is coming back down the aisle. Wait, is she coming over here? Why? Did this guy next to me hit that button? He did. How did I not notice that? Because I’m writing this silly crap, that’s why. Too focused on this shit. Who the hell am I asking these questions to? Myself, I guess.
Getting wrapped up in some free association writing like that, destroying my awareness. What if a terrorist popped up on the plane? I probably wouldn’t notice until I got up to go to the restroom. Maybe not even then. I imagine I’d notice when we landed anywhere but Alaska. But that’s if he hijacks us. If he just blows us up I might not notice. Hell, I’d better notice that. At least for a split second before I’m dead. Pretty pathetic if I didn’t.
There’s that woman’s ass again. It’s even more impressive by the fact that she’s at least forty. She’s not bad from the front, pretty cute. I’d do her. Mostly because of that ass.
Christ, I sound like a pig.
Cool, the plane’s shaking. Seat belt light isn’t even on. Bet that scared a few of these passengers. Crazy bastards. A shaky plane is just like a roller coaster. Good times. We need more turbulence.
Drink cart’s coming. I wonder if the coffee is any good? Although I am feeling a bit dehydrated, water might be better. Eh, they’re dishing out water in plastic shot glasses. Won’t make me feel any more hydrated. Unless the stewardess gave me ten of the water bottles. Probably rules against that. Bet the stewardess would give me ten of them if I gave her the business.
Screw it. I’ll get coffee. There’s nowhere to fuck on this plane. Bathroom’s way too small. Anyone who says they’ve had sex in a plane bathroom is full of shit. Period. Wait, the luggage hold! Or is it a cargo hold? Doesn’t matter, I bet there’s enough room to plow this stewardess down there. She’d probably let me smoke down there too. Stupid non-smoking planes.
Eh, that’s still a bad idea. Someone’s bound to notice that she’s gone. Probably a passenger.
“I ordered some water ten minutes ago and the flight attendant never came back!”
“Which flight attendant, the man or the woman?”
“The woman! I want my water, and I’m scared of flying!”
Probably be even worse when we came back. Her hair would be a mess, clothes wouldn’t be on straight.
“The flight attendant looks like she’s been fucking!”
“Which flight attendant, the woman or the man?”
“The woman! Instead of getting my water she’s fucking someone! And I’m still scared of flying!”
Guy next to me might get suspicious too.
“Where the hell were you for twenty minutes?”
“Here and there. Why?”
“You were fucking that waitress, weren’t you?”
“Huh.” Stunned silence. Plane flies on.
Coffee’s not bad here. A little weak, but that’s probably to placate the passengers who are scared of flying. Fear might get worse with caffeine. I should look into that.
What the hell do I care? I want strong coffee, screw the pansies who are scared of flying. I could probably blood-choke a lot of these people, if they got too annoying. Well, not the guy in 17D, I’m pretty sure he could kick my ass. But some of these other people, no problem.
More turbulence. Just a quick bump. Like hitting a pothole in the road. Probably just a small thermal pocket or something. Thermal pockets, potholes of the sky.
Why do we have to fly over somewhere overcast? I finally get a good look out the window and it’s just clouds. Not even interesting clouds. Boring, standard stratocumulus. Maybe some cumulonimbus too. If I was flying this plane, I’d find us some cooler clouds to fly over.
“This is your captain speaking, if you look to your left, you’ll see some lovely lenticular clouds… and coming up we have some wonderful mammatus clouds as well…”
Why the hell do I know so much about clouds? That damn meteorology class I took in college, that’s why. Didn’t ace the class, but it sure stuck in my head just fine.
Of course, if I was the pilot, I’d be flying over clouds so people wouldn’t know I wasn’t actually taking them to Alaska. Mystery Flight Airlines, you know where you depart from, but the arrival’s up in the air!
Okay, that’s just stupid. I’m taking a break from writing this crap.
I didn’t just take a break, but quit writing my thoughts altogether for the remainder of the trip. But I’m pretty happy with what I came up with here. Random thoughts, written recklessly to keep pace with my mind. Probably some really interesting psychology could be deduced from all of this, but I haven’t taken a psych class for ages.
I’ll probably try this again someday, and publish the results on Acid Logic. No guarantees, though. If I start free-writing and some really fucked up stuff comes out, it’s getting burned. And I’ll be seeking therapy. Well, maybe no therapy…
If you were recently on a plane to Alaska, sitting near someone who was writing frantically and checking out the stewardess, that might have been me. Or it could have been some other crazy guy with mental problems, no shortage of them.
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