By Colin
Hoad
January
16, 2003
With the
first bombs almost falling on the West’s personal target practice range
that is Baghdad, I got to wondering where (once the boredom of UN proceedings
and other nuisances have been cleared away) America will go next to
play Cowboys and Indians – or, as it is officially known, “the war on
terror”. And so, behold, my proposed line up of possible contenders
to become America’s Public Enemy No. 2!
1) Canada
With a low crime rate, clean environment and highly functional welfare
system, those sneaky Canadians are clearly up to something. Not only are
they conveniently and strategically located on the border with the USA,
allowing for unlicensed propaganda and quick-and-dirty Grenada-style operations,
but they’re also the second largest country in the North American continent,
a clear sign that they’re a threat to the stability of the United States.
My advice to President Bush is strike now before any of that good social
policy surreptitiously infiltrates Capitol Hill.
2)
Japan
Don’t let their lack of armed forces and close military alliance with
the USA fool you, the Japanese are just as much of a threat to American
world dominance as any one of those evil axis characters. Taking out
Tokyo shouldn’t prove too much of a problem – after all, America has
already had two practice shots at other Japanese cities in the past.
And it’s not like there hasn’t been provocation in the past – as if
Pearl Harbour wasn’t enough, the cheeky Japanese sent a stealth fishing
boat sailing just above a US submarine! If that isn’t espionage at its
most devious, I don’t know what is. The fishing boat and all its crew
may have been destroyed, but vigilance must be kept up. Secret operatives
from Japan are already reporting that those cute fluffy Pikachu dolls
exported from the land of the Rising Sun are actually highly dangerous
robots which could be signalled to attack innocent American civilians
at any moment; those freaky Manga comics are not just for entertainment
– they closely mirror Japanese foreign policy.
3)
China
Well, they’re Communists, aren’t they? Nuff said.
4)
Great Britain
Hollywood was right all along when casting Brits as the evil villains
and masterminds in films since time immemorial. It’s proof enough that
with their dastardly accent alone, the world could be theirs once again.
Action must indeed be taken before the terrifying triumvirate of Anthony
Hopkins, Christopher Lee and David Prowse sweeps to power. One tactical
nuclear strike could ensure that the sun never sets on the British Empire
ever again.
5)
Tibet
Peaceful Buddhist monks? They invented Kung Fu, didn’t they? A sure
sign of things to come.
6)
Germany
Two world wars with the same country in just one century? The Old Enemy
can never be trusted, history gives us all the evidence we need for
that, and another war with Germany is thus surely inevitable. It started
with the EU, but how long before it is renamed the Fourth Reich? If
action is taken far enough in advance, America can put an end to the
ever-growing threat of German militarist aggression (and lederhosen)
forever.
7)
Kazakhstan
Countries with unpronounceable names are always a good bet for President
Bush to attack; and what right does a country with a name as strange
and ridiculous as that have to being on the map? Eradicate it now and
save future generations of Republic Presidents the trouble of learning
this absurd word.
8)
Israel
Kill two foreign policy birds with one nuclear stone! Wipe out Israel
and at once remove a possible terrorist threat (Muslims are reported
to have been found living in Israel) and solve the Middle East peace
process. Why has no President thought of this before?
9)
Russia
Communism doesn’t die easily, and with the red star making a come back
on the uniforms of the Russian army, it’s obvious that the only thing
which has changed in Russia is its name. A problem would arise if the
acronym “USSR” returned, of course, since to the mind of a deep South
Boll Weevil it’s all too similar to “USA” – and we wouldn’t want to
confuse clean and pure capitalists with the dirty cheating communist
scum of Russia. With the SDI project rearing its head once again, it
looks as if Bush is already taking lessons from Ronnie Reagan. Now all
he needs to do is hint at putting a man on Mars, and the Russian economy
will fall into further ruination. This leaves the scene clear for a
CIA mission to trigger another Chernobyl-like “accident” – except this
time, it’ll be more than sheep which get fried.
10) Antarctica
An easy acquisition for the USA, since the penguins are unlikely to
put up much of a fight. What’s more, it can be easily repopulated with
Alaskans – a sort of home from home, really.
It looks as if the future’s
bright for George W. Bush – the list of enemies runs to at least ten
on a brief analysis, and there’s many ways to find more should the need
arise (after all, nobody had heard of Vietnam until some Ho became a
Communist). With Vice President Dick building a war bunker in his back
yard, all that stands in Bush’s way to global domination now is that
pesky little thing called an election. Still, there’s always the Enabling
Act to consider.
