By Max Burbank
"There are those
who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things
that never were, and ask why not?"
Robert Francis Kennedy, 1968 presidential campaign
In all likelihood, RFK was
not talking about that dream where you've been cutting math class all
semester and now you have to take this test and you're not wearing pants,
just a long shirt that if you really pull down covers about three quarters
of your privates. We'll never know for certain though, and it's not
like you could ask him. I've dreamt all sorts of things that ‘never
were’, many of them motivational in one sense or another, but none of
them really inspirational. I doubt I’d bring them up if I were running
for President, at least not in situations where I might be quoted. I
once dreamt I was Aqualad and I couldn’t go on mission with the Teen
Titans because I’d accidentally brought along a really old bathing suit
that was much too small for me, and no way was I fighting evil in an
outfit where you could see just about everything. I like to think if
RFK had related that dream on the stump, Sirhan Sirhan would have realized
the great truth our dreams reveal; We are all, each of us, human He’d
have been bowling at 12:15, June 5, 1968 instead of waving a .22 around
in the food service pantry of the Ambassador Hotel. If he’d kept up
his game he might be touring with the Senior Pro-Bowl instead of making
pointlessly futile petitions of parole.
Have you ever told a friend
an odd dream you’d had only to have them say, “I’ve had that exact same
dream!”? And didn’t you want to punch them hard in eye? I mean, how
dare they lay claim to your unique perspective? Just who do these so
called ‘friends’ think they are? Well stay thy hand, friend! That kind
of thinking is an express bus to assassination! No matter our differences,
the collective unconscious unites us as a species, and this principle
has no better expression than the universal dreams we all share. From
Ronald Wilson Reagan to David Chapman, from Abraham Lincoln to John
Wilkes Booth, from President McKinley to that guy that shot President
McKinley, we all have dreams in common. To help our readers curb their
homicidal lusts, we’ve compiled a list of common dreams and their interpretations.
Take a look. You might see yourself in here, and who knows… maybe your
neighbor, too. You know the one I mean. The one with the squinty eyes
who’s always watching you.
I CUT MY CLASSES, I HAVE
TO TAKE A TEST AND I’M NAKED!
We’ve already mentioned this oft dreamed scenario, but what does it
mean? Well, for one, you’re some sort of pervert. But don’t worry, so
am I and so was your Mom and your Mailman. Perversion is something we
all share. More specifically, this dream shows an underlying fear that
your lack of preparation for something will be exposed. Your nakedness
is an indication of vulnerability caused by neglecting the things you
need to do to get ready for a task. On waking, think of goals that may
be troubling you and make a ‘to do’ list. "Did I take the day off
from work? Have I purchased bus tickets? Do I have an alibi?" I
think you’ll find the process itself calming.
I URGENTLY NEED TO URINATE,
BUT THERE’S NO GOOD PLACE TO DO IT!
“I’m in a strange city and I really need to go to the bathroom! I try
restaurants, bookstores, giftshops, but everyplace has a ‘Rest Rooms
are for Customers Only’ sign and I have no money! Finally I find
a bus station but when at last I locate the rest room, it is a huge
open air facility something like a roman bath and everyone can see me!”
First and foremost, pee!
This dream most often means you have to go, but you’re too tired or
lazy to get out of bed. Beyond that, you may need to express some taboo
thought, and the longer it goes unexpressed, the more urgent your need
becomes. What shameful thing is on your mind? Write it down, even if
you destroy it immediately afterwards, leaving no evidence behind. It’s
the expression that’s important, not evidence admissable in court! Maybe
you’re dying to tell the boss off, maybe you long for someone unattainable,
maybe you feel like they’d love you if you murdered a famous politician,
whatever! Just get it out of your system before you wet yourself like
a frightened puppy!
OH CHRIST, WHERE’S THE
“I’m on a bus, on my way to an important meeting. I’ve got all kinds
of papers and schedules I’m going over when suddenly I realize I’m supposed
to be home with the baby! Did I get a sitter? Did my wife come home
before I left? I can’t remember!”
This dream is fine as long
as you have a baby. If you don’t, you’re probably a borderline schizophrenic
capable of anything. And again with the bus! The missing baby is you,
some aspect of yourself that you’ve neglected, ‘left behind’. Think.
When you were young, did you dream of being important, someone everyone
knew? How many years has it been since you received the sort of recognition
you crave? What could you do that would make you a household name overnight?
THAT PLANE I’M WATCHING
IS GOING TO CRASH!
“I’m watching a plane. It’s flying awfully low. Suddenly it’s tumbling
over and over through the sky, coming closer and closer, and I realize
it’s going to crash! I want to turn and run, but I know it’s hopeless
and I can’t make myself look away! It’s so close now I can see the passengers
through the window and I know we’re all going to die!”
Dreams on immanent disaster
usually mean only one thing. Someone famous, probably a politician is
attempting to control your thoughts. Maybe you’d better kill them.
I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS ROOM
“I’m walking through my own house, when I come upon a door I’ve never
seen before. It’s locked, but I’m wearing a key on a chain around my
neck (something I’ve never done!) and the key lets me in. The room is
empty, the wallpaper peeling. It smells of wet plaster. I’m overwhelmed
by the sensation that if I go back through the door I will no longer
be in my house. I’m filled with dread and I can’t turn around.”
Yeah, yeah, fine, but what
could you do with a secret room like this? Could you disguise the door?
Could it be soundproofed, or lined with plastic so that visiting friends
would not detect the odor of decomposition? If nothing esle, would it
least make a good place to showcase a really big shrine-like collage?
NO ONE MUST SEE MY CRAWL
"I have two large Steamer Trunks. One has a friendly Elephant decal
on it. The other has a smiling Donkey. They are way, way back in the
crawl space of my attic where its cool and dry. They are empty, but
I am filled with the certainty that soon one of them will be full. I
sit with my back against the Steamer Trunks and watch ‘Taxi Driver.”
You need to get out more.
Inaugurals can be fun. Check your bus schedule.