By Max Burbank
December 16th, 2001
The recent groundswell in
the popularity of my writing, caused in large part by my therapist's
recommendation that for the sake of my self esteem I try acting as if
there has been a recent groundswell in the popularity of my writing,
has brought to my attention a complaint, characterized by, but not limited
to, the following E-mail:
Mr. Burbank; It's hard to
get what's supposed to be funny about your stuff when half the time
I don't know what the F**k you're talking about. Also, your run on sentences
are Bogus.
I've paraphrased some, in
that the Writer did not call me "Mr." I left out the part that he wants
to punch me in the face, and where I used the word 'Bogus' he actually
said I'd had relations with animals, but the essence remains.
I use a lot of references
in my work that may be lost on younger members of my audience. Likewise,
older members of my audience (and by this I mean my Mother) may miss
more recent references, or some of the 'hip' lingo I've picked up during
my time in 'cyberspace'. So, to wit, I've created this little guide
which I assume you will print out and keep handy in the future while
reading my work.
Entries appear in random
order as alphabetizing is for fags. I say this in my professional capacity
as a humorist and in no way intend to cast aspersion on the practitioners
of the French Vice, many of who are close friends. Very close. In fact,
I myself am a fag, which is why it's alright for me to have made the
joke in the first place. No, wait, I'm not a fag, I'm a Jew. I beg your
pardon. Alphabetizing is for Jews.
H.R. Puff n' Stuff:
The title character in the flagship of Sid and Marty Kroft's early seventies
Saturday morning live action programming empire. An anthropomorphic,
vaguely phallic 'dragon', he was the Sheriff of 'Living Island' and
protector of it's only human resident, Jack somebody or other who once
played the disturbingly effeminate Artful Dodger in the musical "Scrooge".
Italo Calvino: Leading
proponent of Italian Absurdist Fiction whose name I throw around to
look smart.
I-Mockery.com:
Like Acidlogic.com, one of the internet's top five comedy Zines. You
should go there and read my stuff.
My Mother the Car:
1965 NBC sitcom. Jerry van Dyke as Dave Crabtree, who's Mother has been
reincarnated as a 1928 Porter convertible. I often pretend to have seen
this show to appeal to a demographic I wouldn't be part of if you paid
me.
Jerry Van Dyke: Pretty
much like Dick, but way less talented and with airplane glue instead
of Booze. Good for witty tag lines like "Sucked worse than Jerry Van
Dyke".
Dick Tracy: Rainy
day fun with a pencil and paper for you and a 'friend'.
TheOnion.com:
Over rated piece of crap.
Apeculture.com:
Like Acidlogic.com, one of the internet's top five comedy Zines. You
should go there and read my stuff.
Nixon, Richard Millhouse:
First President I was really aware of. I remember writing an essay on
how he was the worst president ever and how his downfall meant future
Presidents would be less criminal in their behavior, which now seems
quaint. Good for witty tag lines like "Sucked worse than Nixon"
Quaint: A word of
a category I use frequently enough that my own wife questions my masculinity.
 |
| Denzil
Kem in the house, y'all! |
To Wit: See 'Quaint'
Denzil Kem: The actual
name of DC comics' superhero Matter Eater Lad, a young man whose super
power was that he could eat anything.
Bullymag.com:
Like Acidlogic.com, one of the internet's top five comedy Zines. You
should go there and read my stuff.
Dick Chenny: What
to do when Dick Tracy is pretty much played out.
Lucy Lawless: After
the wife and kids, the reason I get up in the morning. My lawyer didn't
even want me to say that much.
Zeitgeist: A word
I use to appear smart. It sounds German and most people who use it don't
know what it means any more than I do.
 |
| Vice
President Checkers |
Checkers: Vice president
under Nixon. Great for tag lines like, "Hey, woah, nice peeing on the
carpet there, Mr. Vice President".
Juxtapose: Sounds
a lot like 'Just suppose', but probably means something a lot different.
Also, see 'Quaint' as to its effect on my marriage.
Sigmund and the Sea Monster:
Under 'H.R. Puff 'n Stuff', see 'Sid and Marty Kroft'. See 'Sid and
Marty Kroft' Run. You'd run too, every time you heard a loud noise or
thought something scary, if you'd have taken a quarter as much acid
as these two did 'back in the day'.
'Back in the Day':
A phrase I picked up to appeal to some of my younger readers, it means
prior to 1997.
'Kicking it Old School':
See 'Back in the Day', except in this case I've no idea what it means.
Modernhumorist.com:
Over rated, crappy humor Zine that thinks it's so big.
Justlaugh.net:
Like Acidlogic.com, one of the internet's top five comedy Zines. You
should go there and read my stuff.
The Weenie Award:
An honor given annually by Justlaugh.net, which I won this year. I was
up against Dave Barry. He stopped publishing with them the issue after
I won, which is pretty immature, don't you think?
Dave Barry: Non Weenie
Award winning over rated son of a bitch humorist who thinks just 'cause
he gets paid and shit he's all big.
Claes Oldenburgh:
Pop art sculptor whose name I toss around
to make me seem smart even though I rarely spell it the same way twice.
Courtney Cox: See
'Lucy Lawless'.
Courtney Cox Arquette:
I have no idea who you're talking about.
"The controlling Intelligence
understands its own nature, and what it does, and whereon it works.":
Marcus Aurelius on the nature of man, and the words that underlie what
I'm attempting to do with my writing.
Bartlett's
Familiar Quotations Online: A great way to seem intelligent.
Slate.com:
Over rated famous Zine that got a lot more interesting since DAHLIA
FRIGGIN' LITHWIK linked to one of my Apeculture articles in her recent
SUPREME COURT DISPATCH!! TAKE THAT, DAVE BARRY YOU OVER RATED SON OF
A BITCH!!
$35.00, a Mug and a T-shirt:
This years earnings writing for the internet.
A Max Burbank Companion:
A damn fine way for many of you to make a quick twenty bucks. All right,
$25.00. I'm not picky. Or busy.
William Shatner:
More than a woman to me. See 'Lucy Lawless', 'Courtney Cox', 'my wife's
fears and/or hopes' and 'My Lawyer' et al.
Et al: Why he owes
me twenty bucks. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!!
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