October 1st, 2003
To know the future we must understand the past. Which means that only in the future can we understand the present. Maybe you should wait a few months before reading this article. Eh, skip the rest of the introduction and get to the predictions!
Let's start with an easy one -
2003 - The Republican President played by John Goodman on "The West Wing" will turn out to be a bad, bad person.
2003 - After a little boy drowns in his backyard swimming pool Tom Green catches up with Tommy Lee in "The Biggest Loser In Hollywood" Sweepstakes.
2005 - Close scrutiny of Michael J. Fox's performances in old episodes of "Family Ties" and "Spin City" leads scientists to conclude that Parkinson's Disease is caused by "acting like kind of an asshole".
2005 - President Hillary introduces the military's new "Don't Ask, Don't Fight Terrorism" policy.
2005 - Wil Forbis makes a legendary appearance on "Blind Date" in which he asks his date if she has room in her purse for his "Black Latex Jacuzzi Bondage Scuba Suit". Forbis will blame it all on me for giving him the scuba suit for a Christmas gift, which is false cause I only left it in his Jacuzzi when he caught me in there with his maid and I went running down the street screaming "Which way to Arianna Huffington's place?"
2005 - Eddie Van Baleen hires the Lump That Was Cut Off Of His Tongue Because He Had Cancer as Van Halen's new lead singer.
2006 - Janeane Garofalo does something funny. Walking down the street in Boston, the unemployed "comedienne" steps in dog feces and tries to scrape it off on the side of the curb. Two teenage boys, watching from a passing automobile, laugh uproariously.
2007 - Vomit becomes the official currency of Russia.
2007 - Medical Marijuana is approved for the treatment of people who's lungs have been damaged by smoking Medical Marijuana (Actually Asbestos mixed with the pubic hair of the ryhthm guitar player in Ratt who died of AIDS).
2008 - "Will And Grace" does first "Shit On Dick" joke in television history.
2008 - Tim Robbins starts dying his hair grey and rolling around in a wheelchair to keep Susan Sarandon from getting embarrassed.
2009 - Anti Tobacco activists are disturbed by mounting evidence that being a pain in the ass is even more debilitating than cancer.
2009 - Something about that Jennifer Lopez bitch. Uh, she gets a flesh eating virus on her ass. That would be funny. Yeah.
2009 - The Olsen Twins are gang raped by the LA Lakers during the opening ceremonies of the NBA season. "I haven't gotten so wet since I saw 'Barbarella'!" declares President Hillary.
2010 - Lenny Kravitz will be overwhelmed by how utterly silly he is at the exact moment radioactivity from a nearby radioactive thing leaks into his swinging bachelor pad and mutates him into . . . SILLYMAN, CHAMPION OF THE SILLY THROUGHOUT THE COSMOS!!!
2010 - That weird eighties thing where guys bunch up their jacket sleeves to their elbows will come back in fashion when most stock brokers are forced to take work as dish washers.
2010 - Hugh Hefner dies. In his will Hefner leaves everyone in the United States one dollar and thirty two cents under the condition that we all go around pretending he meant something to us.
2011 - No one in America remembers how to pronounce "Duchovny".
2011 - The Federal government still refuses to allow oil drilling in Alaska. Detroit introduces a line of automobiles powered by antlers.
2011 - President Hillary introduces an Eyeball Tax. Backfires when it only makes Conservative Talk Radio even more popular.
2012 - The Dead come back to life and perform improvisational sketch comedy. They are really funny, especially Fidel Castro who does a crazy lesbian character named "Bridget The Beast".
2013 - All of the nurses at The Beach Boy's Retirement Condo agree that when Brian Wilson smears feces on the wall it is "art" but when Mike Love smears feces on the wall it is "shit."
2015 - Former cast members of "The Larry Sanders Show" are lured into a TV studio for a reunion special and beaten to death by people who know a funny comedy show when they see one.
2017 - Someone notices how suspicious it is that all of the rioters and looters at the end of "Police Academy" are white.
2017 - Jennifer Love Hewitt disapears. When last seen, Hewitt was in a bar in Tulsa pulling up her dress and yelling "Get a loadda this pussy! This is HOLLYWOOD PUSSY, you faggots!! HOLLYWOOD PUSSY!!"
2028 - Keith Richards finally dies. His corpse is dried out, ground into powder, and sold at ten million dollars an ounce to rich idiots, all of whom soon die mumbling "He was a creep. It seems so obvious! He was a creep!"
2040 - It is universally agreed that the best rock and roll band of all time was Starz. "She's just a fallen angel, her dreams are shot to Hell" sings SILLYMAN as Former President Hillary's reanimated zombie corpse claws itself out of the grave to lead the fight against The Bible Thumping Breeders "We're all fallen angels, cant'cha tell?"
3000 - People are amazed what an accurate portrayal of life in the Thirty First Century "Futurama" has turned out to be. But it's still not as funny as "The Simpsons", which is still in production.
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - email@example.com
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