By Cody Wayne
1 , 2002
We are a nation of Impending
Doom. Or perhaps, we are a generation of impending doom rising up through
the primordial cracks, filling some quarry to the brim with synthetic
hate and fear.
Yeah. So now I’m thinking
about that infomercial… the one with the miracle cleanser that cuts
through anything. Oxy-clean was it? That fuck of an English guy would
fill a clear plastic cylinder with all this grimy slimy nasty shit,
and then all it took was a little cup of Oxy-clean to completely dissolve
the situation. Just a little cup of Oxy-clean and a little stirring
and WHAMMO, a totally clear broth. Don’t you love infomercials? I
love the miracles they get off on those things. Rapid-fire miracles
happenin’ in front of a lively studio audience of white suburban house
wives. It’s better than any Jesus-channel. Ya know why? ‘Cause the
miracle that will change your life forever is being tested and affirmed
clearly and without question right before your beady little eyes right
on fucking television! I’m thinking there could conceivably be
a new-wave religious movement based solely on the miraculous connotations
associated with any given infomercial. The hope, pride, and joy that
one could inundate their lives with once purchasing any of these “As
Seen On TV” products could be chalked up as a revival movement in consumerism.
Why be a mass-consumer of any current irrelevant religious dogma,
something you can’t even TOUCH, when you could have an Egg-Wave; proof
positive that there is a God… one true God… just one… and It’s a guy…
and He loves the convenience of quick, healthy, and shapely eggs being
ready… in just minutes.
But back to the Oxy-clean
idea. Of course there’s no way that product can work that well. Washed-up
used-car salesmen are digging these miraculous ideas into your brain
through strobing electrons at three in the morning. That’s a bad selling
point in any line of work.
Bottom line: there is no
miracle for $19.95. There is no miracle in three easy payments of $29.95.
There is no miracle on any extended paying plan. There is no connection
between money and miracles. The only connection to be drawn is one
of illusion, that being, having lots of money is a miracle in and of
itself. When I win $200 on a craps table in Vegas, hell, I feel as
though I’ve participated in a miraculous event, but I sure as hell recognize
the laws of probability playing a factor in every roll of the dice,
forming only the illusion of a miracle, and a pretty lame miracle at
So now, just for argument’s
sake, why don’t we try to ascribe an actual value on the chances of
a miracle? Because we’ve decided that huge sums of money are seemingly
miraculous, and seeing as though the chances of winning the lottery
is about 1 in 25 million, we could suppose that our chances of being
part of a miracle is about 0.000004%.
We have a 0.000004% chance
of avoiding almost certain doom… according to our suppositions, of course.
That’s what I’m gettin’ at here, people. According to my calculations,
we are at a point where we need at least 25,000,000 units of miracle
Don’t get me wrong. I’m
not the religious type. When I say “miracle”, what I really mean is
25,000,000 units of miracle
credit. That’s a lot. A meaningful and conclusive contact with another
sentient species would undoubtedly pay off that deficit. But, can we
really sit back on our couches, in our pajamas, clutching our teddies,
squeezing our eyes tight, scrunching our faces, saying, “Please please
please please please please please!!!”? Naaa, although it is a funny
thought and good farts are likely to result. Actually, the Church of
the Subgenius has used this premise as one of their core belief initiatives.
What really needs to happen
is the gathering of individual units of miracle. And since every one
of us is a little miracle, then all it’s gonna take is a gathering of
25 million people to get some collective consciousness intervention
goin’… and in the right direction.
It makes so much god damn
sense! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? Imagine a protest
made up of 25 million people. That shit’s unstoppable except by ruthless,
deliberate, concentrated force. That’s an overwhelming majority. That’s
a big voice. It wouldn’t be the representation of a select few; it
would be a direct representation of the people of the world! That’s
sayin’ somethin’. Them’s big words. Everyone’ll hear those words.
It’ll be an oral world bomb causing no casualties but wreaking worldwide
acknowledgement. We could hold it somewhere like the Grand Canyon.
Didn’t we have “Hands Across America” back in the 80’s?
And ya know, I always thought
voting was so important to the idea of having a voice in a representative
government, but I just heard the other side. Some people don’t vote
because they think the whole thing’s a sham. They say that it’s just
a device to make us, the people, pacified into thinking that we do have
a say, when in actuality, the measures, reps, and judges we vote on
and put into office changes very little, if anything, in the way things
run. To them, voting has become a smoke screen to the system. Nothing
will ever change because of your vote. Damn. I like to think that
my vote does mean something. It has to mean something or else what
do I represent? Who am I in society? Where’s my say? Perhaps I rely
too heavily on my right to vote as my main means of saying anything.
But for real now, what about
that 25 million person protest idea? Isn’t that a good idea? Isn’t
that one of those things that seems impossible but could actually happen
if it was organized and set up properly and given enough credit as a
reality? Muther fucker… that could be the answer we’ve been waiting
for. We’ve got big ole festivals for music and art, why not a total
protest festival? Woodstock had 300,000 people. We could have 25 million
muther fuckers all saying, “Fuck you,” and “Fuck it,” to every god damn
thing under the sun. 25 million people screamin’ and being pissed off
in a large open area. It’ll be totally ridiculous… or… it could be
totally peaceful and cool, of course, if we want it to be. It’ll be
whatever we make it.
Why not go ahead and have
a world protest? Actually, we can count on a world protest once we
get the ball rollin’ with a 25 million-person protest. Theory would
dictate that once a 25 million person protest gets goin’, it ain’t never
gonna stop. It’ll just snowball into something incredible and unimaginable.
It’ll be its own catalyst. 25 million people can only erupt and flow
over the whole globe in a grand sweeping gesture, eating everything
in its path. It’ll be like Critters 2: The Main Course when
that big ball of critters rolls through everyone at the end. That was
some good shit. Someone will set up loudspeakers on telephone poles
for hundreds of miles in all directions blasting Pink Floyd’s Echoes
on a constant loop.
Bottom line: the possibilities
are limitless. Fuck it all. What do we have to lose? Everyone. Gather
‘round and protest impending doom in your neighborhood.