By Sandra Kay
October 16, 2003

Done.I am done, done, done.  No more Iraq war talk, no talks about fairness, or how few of the Enron guys have gone to jail.  Nope.  I was inspired last night to write about something of great importance.  Candy.  I love candy, always have.  I used to save my allowance and go to the Circle K on Saturday afternoon and stare in awe at the cornucopia of choices that I could spend my $2.00 on.  Sometimes I forget how much I love candy, and then my friend V comes over and insists we buy some candy and "snacks" for our video watching.  V weighs probably close to 300 lbs., and is absolutely shameless when it comes to "snacks".  We go to the supermarket and I realize that there are things out there I didn't even know they made anymore. Things like Twinkies and Ding Dongs, and those really tasty Hostess pies.  So, I present my homage to the ultimate of all things that you put in your mouth: candy.

Abba Zabbas
I never really liked Abba Zabbas, except for the packaging.  The yellow and black checkered wrapper looks like it has something to do with drag racing. Or maybe it's made from the bald guy in Cheap Trick's checkered suit.  The thing about Abba Zabbas though, is that they are guaranteed to pull your fillings out.

Whoppers (not to be confused with Milk Duds.)
Whoppers are pretty tasty, but they have that powdered milk thing going on in the middle.  Whoever thought of powdered milk?  And why in the hell did I actually drink it when I was a kid?  You'd have to be pretty poor nowadays to drink powdered milk.  Anyways, Whoppers are also good because you can get them in a giant milk carton at Costco for like $5.00. 

Milk Duds
Ah yes, the staple of fine theatre dining. I wonder about the person who thought of that name.  Did his wife suggest that name Milk Duds to him, or did it just come to him in a dream?  Milk Duds have that yummy caramel center.  Yes, potential dental work, but the perfect size to launch at the asshole in the movie theatre who forgot to turn his cell phone off.  

Skittles
Skittles are gay candy.  If I see a guy eating Skittles, he's either gay, or his girlfriend bought them because she's on a low-fat diet and there's nothing else to eat.  Enough said.

Dots
Never understood this candy. It's on wax paper and doesn't taste like anything.  It's a retro thing, and you only buy it at fairs or amusement parks, and the kids never want them.  The parents want their kids to understand "nostalgia".  All the kids want is a Reese's and to get back in line to ride Python.  Actually, the parents aren't even old enough to remember Dots anymore, it's more like great-grandparents now.  It's all a conspiracy that Norman Rockwell started that life was better back when there were whole stores dedicated to candy. 

Pop Rocks
The Big Daddy of urban legends: Pop Rocks could kill you if you drank them with soda and then jumped up and down.  It's how Rodney Allen Ripey died.  Rodney was the black kid, I'm sorry, the African American kid, who became the spokesman for Jack in the Box back in the day when there were no African American kids on TV.  Sort of like Mikey, "He likes it, hey Mikey!"  But instead, it was like "Hey look, there's a cute black kid on TV eating a Jack in the Box hamburger!"  Anyways, he died by a lethal dose of pop rocks and soda.  That was how the ORIGINAL urban legend went.  Now, they've changed it to Mikey. Lethal candy, not good. 

Home Made Candy
The WORST!  I've never had homemade candy that was any good.  Every year some goody-two-shoes decides that it's too expensive to go out and buy the neighbors and co-workers Christmas presents and all of a sudden she thinks she's Martha Stewart.  Don't do it!  I've never had home-made fudge that tasted any better than a Hershey bar, so just spring for the cash, give me $5.00 in a Christmas card, and I'll go to Rite Aid and buy some real candy.

Taffy
Another nostalgic food that you only get at amusement parks, fairs, or when your on vacation.  You convince yourself it's pretty good, but you'd really rather have some chocolate.  Good food to throw in your purse though, the melting temperature is pretty high on taffy. Also good to have while you're pissed off and  standing in line at the DMV.

See's Candy
Great when you get it for Christmas, but really now, when else do you eat it?  There's a mall that has a See's Candy all year not too far from my house, and I know I can always scam some free chocolate if I go in there.  It's good chocolate too, but the ladies in hair nets always look at me funny like, "Well, aren't you going to buy something?"  What, like a 3 pound peanut butter filled Easter egg? 

The main thing I don't like about See's is that they don't label the chocolate so you never know what your getting.  And YOU, whoever bites off half the chocolate, figures out it's not the one they wanted and sticks it back in the box. Yeah YOU, knock it the fuck off.  That's just gross.

Whitman's
Whitman's is the poor man's See's.  It's for your REALLY cheap gifts.  The candy is okay though, and at least they label them.

Fun Dip
No, it's not the title of a porno movie, it's a candy.  Fun Dip was fun for about 2 licks, (Like so much porn - Ed. Wil) which is about how long the candy lasted.  It has that powdered sugar stick that you can eat if you're really hard up.  So you lick the stick and fill it with saliva that then captures the powdered flavored sugar with spit.  Sounds nasty, and it is.  They should have called them "Spit Sticks."   

Lollipops
I've always liked lollipops.  They're kind of flirtatious in the right hands.  And even a guy can look macho if he clenches it with his teeth. He just can't lick it in public like a girl without risking getting beaten up buy a bunch of homophobic guys.  So be careful with your lollies.  I was actually in a store with my 9-year old niece recently and they have bastardized the lollipop by having a motorized version that twirls the lollipop for you.  Damn lazy kids.

Kisses
A stroke of genius from the Hershey company.  A pint size piece of chocolate that you can eat yourself or throw to a friend.  Just don't leave them in your jeans and forget about them.

Baby Ruths
Striking an amazing resemblance to a turd, Baby Ruths are quite tasty if you like nuts.  And who can forget Bill Murry clearing out a pool in Caddyshack with a Baby Ruth!

Big Cherry
Great name.  I'm the only person I know that actually eats these things, and you see them everywhere, so somebody must be eating them.  Who they are is right up there with the mystery of how Arby's has managed to stay in business.

Pixie Sticks
I don't think they make these anymore, but I really liked them.  Nothing like pure flavored sugar pouring into your veins.  The only drag about Pixie Sticks is they came in this cardboard straw like container, and they used really thin paper.  So, you'd pour your Pixie Stick in your mouth, and at some point you'd get spit on it and it would stick together.  I guess you had to have experienced it.  So, you'd have to keep ripping the straw down to get the sugar out.  Because your spit would stick the straw together.  Never mind.

Japanese Candy
Kyoto treaty or not, the Japanese are a wasteful lot, which is apparent in their candy.  The Japanese package everything in cute little containers that have some weird alien like creatures that are strangely appealing.  I actually buy some Japanese candy from a store up the street and it's just like individually wrapped Lifesavers.  Big waste of packaging, but it looks good, and it makes you think each and every piece of candy is very, very special.  I'm sure it's good to appreciate every little piece of candy instead of blindly popping them into your mouth, but from an environmental point of view, shame on you Japan. Shame, shame, shame. 

Licorice
Lame substitute for real candy.  I know I'm going to take a lot of heat for that one, but come on people.  Tell me you wouldn't rather have chocolate.

Jawbreakers
Jawbreakers were just a bad idea.  I always think I'm going to breath in wrong and suck it down the my windpipe and die an unflattering death.  Some girl in Florida just had a jawbreaker blow up in her face - no kidding - thus affirming that this is a huge conspiracy to get rid of kids.  Lethal candy, stay away from it.

Smarties
Do they really make you smart? Because they don't taste very good.

The Big Kahuna - Halloween. 
This is when all the weird candy comes out that never shows up at any other time of the year.  Candy corn, which doubles as vampire teeth.  What's up with that?  And wax soda bottles filled with some sort of ejaculate that you don't even want to know about.  Halloween has now officially been ruined by some asshole who tried to kill his kid with candy, or so the story goes.  Now, you have to have your candy x-rayed to make sure somebody didn't stick a razor blade in your apple.  I never got an apple for a Halloween treat, and I don't know anybody else who ever did.  I also never knew anybody that was in any way harmed by Halloween candy. When I have kids I'm going to have them live a little and let them go trick-or-treating, and no trips to the x-ray machine on the way home.  Bad Mom, bad, bad reckless Mom.  Life is full of danger.  I say live life on the edge.

Well that's about it.  I know, I left out a bunch, Snickers, M&M's, which just came with graffiti colors because I think they ran out of ideas. 

Who can make a sunrise?  Sprinkle it with dew?  Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two.  The Candy Man, the Candy Man can because he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good. 




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