By Robin Devero
My boyfriend is the slovenly type
and that's something I got used to a long time ago. He leaves dirty
dishes in the sink, doesn't put down the toilet seat, and enjoys
shows like "Son of the Beach." He's also never made any attempt
to hide the fact that he's into pornography. The first time I ever
went over to his house there was some sort of second rate porn magazine
lying on his couch and he only showed a small amount of embarrassment
when he threw it off into a corner.
Now this has never really bothered
me. He doesn't run off Friday nights to get drunk at a strip bar,
nor does he say things like "Look at the melons on that one!" while
watching television beauty pagents. I see myself as a liberated
gal so I've always summed it up as the give and take of a relationship.
I put up with his social shortcomings and he has to put up with
the frustration of being with the most perfect person in existence.
All's fair in love and war.
At first I didn't have much curiosity
about his porn habit. When I'd stumble over a magazine in the bathroom,
I'd just lob it into the corner and go about brushing my teeth or
taking out my vaginal sponge. It wasn't till I came across my boyfriend's
online porn collection that I started taking notice. I was surfing
on his computer one day while waiting for him to get back from college
and started fishing around in his bookmarks. (Hey, he told me I
should get into the internet!) He had a small but noticeable collection
of pornographic web page links (much like his small but noticeable.
ahem.) So I started nosing around. And let me tell you, there's
some strange stuff out there! When I was growing up, I caught site
of a few of my brother's Playboys, and they were Mother Goose compared
to what's on the World Wide Web. I now know more about sex with
horses than I ever wanted to know.
But I also found the experience
kind of baffling. The online porn world seems to employ a lexicon
that's confusing to an web porn newbie such as myself. So when my
boyfriend finally came home that night, we sat down and went over
some of the terminology together. It was a humbling experience to
be the recipient of his vast porn knowledge, and I thought I would
present what I learned to other girlfriends uneducated to the ways
of their significant other's porn interest. Hey, girls, it's one
more activity you can do together!
Robin's Online Porn Dictionary:
||Plumpers - Obviously
this is fat girls and there seem to be a disturbingly "large"
number of sites devoted to this niche. Makes you wonder if those
guys with "No Fat Chicks" bumper stickers don't have something
||Olders - Boy, the porn
kings really show their vast creativity with this one. "Olders"
refers to older women, who would've guessed? Of course, men
seem to think any women over 30 is an "older." And they accompany
these pictures with poetic captions like "Make Grandma Swallow."
Men really are pigs aren't they? Which brings me to.
||Barnyard - Everything
you've heard about animal sex on the Internet is true. I'll
never look at a snake the same way again.
||Lolitas - Lolitas are
the anti-olders, the teenage nymphs. The title is indicative
of the fact that when porn web asters aren't monitoring their
web sites, they're busy reading Russian novels. See also - "barely
legal","Under 18", or "High School."
||Sticky Movies - If looking
at still pictures of naked women isn't enough for your man,
he can delight himself with acually streaming web videos. They're
sticky because. well you get the picture. Keep this in mind
next time the computer shorts out.
||Oreo Sex - Porn webmasters
do their best to promote racial harmony with a wide variety
of interracial sex scenes. It's nice to know that Martin Luthor
King jr. didn't die in vain. Also see "Jungle Fever."
||Ellen - Perhaps the
main legacy of Ellen Degeneres' coming out on television will
be the numerous porn sites that refer to their lesbian collections
as "Ellen." Makes you wonder if it was all worth it.
||Facials - Ahh yes, some
sites even specialize in what I believe is referred to in the
porn industry as the "money shot." Trust me guys, those smiles
are faked. (As is some of the "spunk de jour" that embalms these
models. Ever hear of hair conditioner?)
||Voyeur - Leave it to
the Internet to help raise the next generation of Night Stalkers
by including a vast section of naked women being "unknowingly"
photographed by hidden cameras. It must be oh so time consuming
to wait for those gals to be in a position where the lighting
is just right. but our junior Larry Flynts are up to the task.
So there you have it gals. You
may spend the next few days seriously considering joining the nearest
nunnery but trust me, the feeling passes. Men, can't live with them,
can't kill them. Waitasecond!
What do you think? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!
When not expressing bafflement at the various activities of
the male sex, Robin Devero writes for online zines and listens to