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Sweet squirrel testicles, it's two Saleeby articles in one !~!

Choose your poison...

GREAT FORGOTTEN MOMENTS OF THE NINETEEN SEVENTIES
WHY SQUARE PEOPLE HATE THAT KATHY LEE BROAD SO MUCH

Boy, they're all over the place - "That Seventies Show", "The Seventies", "Seventy Brides For Seventy Moonies" - but Husker Du dese timeless moments of malaise?

US Forces seize thousands of little red "Whip Imperialism Now" buttons from a Viet Cong supply depot.

Studio 126 shuts down after one night, management begins search for new location.

John Lennon comes out of seclusion to appear on The Dick Cavett Show. No one but Cavett notices.

Richard Nixon ruins the White House silver set attempting to tunnel out of the Oval Office.

John Hinckley sees Cybil Shephard in "Taxi Driver", vows to assassinate Peter Bogdanovich.

KC And The Sunshine Band bust G. Gordon Liddy out of The Big House.

Truman Capote sings The Star Spangled Banner at the opening game of the 1972 World Series.

Music industry big wigs flip coin: Heads - The Eagles, Tails -The New York Dolls. Coin comes up heads.

As the final chopper to leave Saigon takes off the pilot yells "Uh oh! I forgot my illegitimate children!" and everybody cracks up.

Lorne Michaels offers the former members of The Dave Clark Five a four hundred dollar check to paint his new house in the Hamptons.

Good music having turned out to be a strictly twentieth century kind of thing, I've been watching even more TV than usual lately and, Celibate Nuts O' Christ!, do those people want us to hate that Kathy Lee broad or what? What did she ever do to provoke such hostility? So I turned off the TV set, went down to the public library, and did me some research. Well, no, I didn't really go to the public library, I did it all over the internet. While watching TV at the same time.

THINGS SQUARES LEARNED ABOUT KATHY LEE WHILE YOU WERE FINDING OUT ABOUT METHAMPHETAMINE:

She gave Dick Van Patton crabs. No, not THAT kind, the crustacean kind with the claws. How she ever infected him with a bunch of those by having sex with him, no one has ever figured out. But she sure did do it.

She devoured Herve Villecheze's corpse, threw him up into empty mayonaise jars, and sold them to grief crazed "Fantasy Island" fans through the mail.

Dick Clark woke up one night and she was standing over his bed with a hammer going "Damn! That pillowcase will clash with his brains!"

She told Shari Lewis "Oh, big deal, a puppet made out of a sock. Just think how rich you'd be if you had made one out of some big fat whore's panties, you dumb bitch."

During an appearance on "You Bet Your Life" she told Groucho Marx "Yeah, I know what The Magic Word is. The Magic Word is 'Hell' cause that's exactly where your Jew ass is going for crucifying my Lord And Savior Jesus Christ, you smelly old piece of crap."

She met Steve Allen at The Emmys and told him "I used to watch you every night. The way you'd take a dump, brush your teeth, and ball your ugly wife before turning out the light, it was great. But Carson has turned out to be good, too. His wife has great tits and sometimes they do a three way with a hooker."

So that's the score on Kathy Lee Gifford. She sure seems like a hot chick to me!    

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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