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Cherry Trees & White House Interns

By Tom ‘such a lonely word’ Waters 
June 1 , 2006

Is honesty such a hard policy to maintain? I really don’t think so. What’s the worst thing that’s going to happen? You hurt someone’s feelings for a brief time. Tough nooky. It’s better than insulting someone’s intelligence by expecting them to go along with your story about how your grandmother died while you got a flat tire on the way to your friend’s house and caught a case of the whooping cough.

It’s unfortunate that a good portion of the people I know are pathological liars. I’m frequently baffled by the thinly veiled fictions that my friends and family members drum up on the fly to get out of social engagements, blow off work, or bullshit their way out of doing something they don’t want to do. It amazes me. I’ve made a concerted effort over the last ten years to exercise a form of directness that delivers the same results that a gigantic mound of horseshit will, only with less embarrassment all around. I wish that others could do the same.

I may not be Sicilian, but I can always spot someone’s ‘tell’ or figure out when they’re trying to pull one over on me. If someone stammers, pauses for no good reason, or looks in another direction, oftentimes they are telling you anything but the truth. It doesn’t take a keen observer of the human condition to discern that a person who fidgets or can’t make eye contact when they talk to you is incapable of being honest with themselves or others. What baffles me is the total lack of effort that goes into their falsehoods. I’d be a lot more likely to believe that your car blew up and that you can’t make it to the ice cream social if you had some pieces of the car embedded in your face. Back it up at least.

Some of my friends have been lying to me for so long that I refrain from calling them out on it because it would incite Rain Man style conniptions. Most pathological liars are in such a deep state of denial that they take personal offense when you attempt to draw them out of their own web. They’ve been living in a world of their own false design for years and the smallest crack in a story will send them spiraling into a defensive position. It really boggles my mind, because it takes no effort to be honest and say that you can’t get together, you’re too tired, or that you actually have other plans. It’s an insult to my intelligence to even try and make shit up. Don’t bother.

This is one of the five million reasons why I don’t cheat on my girlfriend. It’s too much work and I prefer honesty above all else. There was a time (about eight years ago) when I dated three girls at once, and it was exhausting. The alibis, the backtracking, trying to fill in the blanks after the lies when challenged on my whereabouts; all of these things were too much for me and I ended up telling all of them anyway, and they were fine with it. This is also another reason why I’m not a serial killer. After years of problem drinking, I often can’t remember what I did five minutes ago. Trying to reconstruct what I was doing on the night of fill in the blank would be impossible. I would end up on the six o’clock news with fifty eight heads in my freezer in the first month.

People tell me I’m a horrible liar, and I’m fine with that, because when they tell me that, I’m trying to get caught. I don’t have much practice with it, because I’ve taken the other road. The behavioral road less traveled, if you will. I am 100% direct with people at all times despite how swift and merciless it may be on their psyche or their long term mental health. I tell people exactly how I feel and whether I can or can’t do something all the time, regardless of the consequences. I can go to sleep at night without worrying about my actions. I can go to my grave and honestly say that I’ve been open and up front with the majority of the people I’ve dealt with in my life.

Is honesty such a hard policy to maintain? I really don’t think so. What’s the worst thing that’s going to happen? You hurt someone’s feelings for a brief time. Tough nooky. They’ll get over it. It’s better than insulting someone’s intelligence by expecting them to go along with your story about how your grandmother died while you got a flat tire on the way to your friend’s house and caught a case of the whooping cough. Give everyone a break and save your breath. You all know who you are, so cease and desist this instant and grow the fuck up. Stop lying to yourself and others and see if you can’t get by on a clear conscience and a new set of rules for living. It’s not that difficult. Start today.

 

 

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